My life as a PC Trainee begins in EXACTLY 24 hours.

 

 

 

YAY!!

So, my attempts to pack "simply" for the next two years (with the exception of a couple items, not bringing anything frivolous), are making this process vastly more complicated.

 

UGH.

Finally down to the wire… :)

It's funny. For MONTHS, I've had months until I leave for Peace Corps. Then things got a little more specific, and I knew that service in Bulgaria was in my future, but I still had all this time to get things done.

Now, its Monday morning, and I leave on Friday. THIS Friday.

Crazy!

I've gotten to the point that I actually have to start dealing with all the junk I've been throwing in the spare bedroom. I literally groan every time I walk in there. There is infinitely more stuff pulled aside than I actually want to take. We're allowed to take 100 pounds as PCV's. That's 20 more than more volunteers because Bulgaria is considered a "cold country." My goal is 70 pounds. That way if I overshoot a little bit, I still shouldn't be standing in line at the airport shifting items. Although, all of my little items that don't weigh much sure add up… I just want to focus on things that are important to me, and then learn to live with less. Far less… J

Yesterday I said goodbye to everyone at church. A few people commented about how calm I seemed. I have found that the closer my departure gets, the more at peace I seem. Maybe that's because it hasn't entirely hit me yet, and maybe it's because I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to be doing. All I know is that after that first set of goodbyes to my North Carolina boys a couple of weeks ago, even my goodbyes have gotten easier. But they aren't over yet!

 

 

 

Now, it's time to OFFICIALLY start packing!

2 Weeks from TODAY...

... I leave for Pre Service Training!!!

I love how my B-24 team mates will be flying in from all over the United States for our Staging Event the couple of days before Friday, the 25th with plane tickets from the Peace Corps, and I will probably leave my house around noon to get to the hotel by our staging starting time... and have a good hour and a half to spare before things kick off at... 2pm!!

But such is life. :)

{And I'm still taking packing advice, BTW..... ;P}

*****************************************

Throughout my time in NYC this spring with the Center for Student Missions, we had some absolutely incredible student groups come through.

While I can honestly say I didn't have a favorite, there were groups I connected with on a deeper level than others.

I will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart for my Lousianians (my first group!!) and my Appies from NC, but I remember helping Michael out with one of his first groups, and how excited I was to meet Abby - a college senior from Michigan - who was applying for the Peace Corps!!

We talked a lot and exchanged stories, and have kept in touch about the sometimes painfully stressful application process since. My departure date was schedule for about a month before hers, and we've both had our horror stories (your not a true PC applicant if you haven't!!).

Anyway, I just found out yesterday that Abby's destination has changed from the Caribbean to.... Turkmenistan in Central Asia!! The Eastern Europe and Central Asia regions are the two closest PC regions (often referred to as one region), and Bulgaria and Turkmenistan are about as close as you can get without actually being in the same region.

We knew the big guy upstairs was looking out for both of us when we met on her service trip to NYC, but we had no idea we would be equidistance from Turkey!

It'll be so great to have someone {almost} on my time frame to stick together with through all of this and compare notes on service!!

seriously, He's pretty darn incredible :)

16 days!

Wow - time is flying! I begin my staging event in 16 days... crazy.

Hard to imagine that I've been dreaming about this for so long, and things are about to start happening!

And I have A LOT to do before then!

I've been dropping things in a pile for the last month or so, and at some point I am going to actually have to start dealing with it and begin packing! (I'm taking packing advice, btw, from all those world travelers out there! :)) I don't think I've ever been so intimidated about a task before! I'm not worried about teh weight limit. I just want to make sure I have the things that are most important to me... sounds like most of what I'll need I can get later if I need it.

This weekend we had an open house for our family, friends, and beighbors as a sendoff for my grand adventures. It was so great to have *most* of the people who mean the world to me encouraging me like they did. Nothing like knowing you have such an incredible extended family praying for you while you set out to do what you know you're supposed to be doing.


********************************

The 2008 season for the camp I worked at last summer began again yesterday, and I can't stop thinking about it. If you know me at all, you know that last summer challenged me in ways I never imagined possible. I made a lot of mistakes, but I also poured my heart into that camp. I spent most of the fall working on my capstone project for my Adminstration class, and I utilized the assignment as a way to offer my thoughts to those who support and run the camp. As much work as I put into the proposal for restructuring, I decided to package it up and send it on to 12 professionals in DC who have a direct hand on the camps operations or existence. I wrote a cover letter from an academic feedback perspective in hopes that someone would request to discuss my project further. Other than a quick message from the CEO saying, "Thanks for your proposal, I passed it on to so and so," I never heard back... I don't want to get too specific because of the way the internet works these days, but please keep the kids of this camp in your prayers. These are kids that DESERVE to have a SAFE and FUN summer away from their lives in the city, and the environment I worked in last year couldn't provide much of either...

If you think about it, please say a quick prayer for the staff, the camp, and especially, those KIDS.

This ones a long one!!

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately.

Well, a lot for someone who has spent a long time convincing herself that gyms were evil. :)

I'm of the mindset that exercise is great.... when I don't know I'm getting it.

Hense my (rudely interupted) devotion to the sport of basketball... :)



When I have a lot of thinking to do, I tend to be one of those people that just hops on my bike or starts walking somewhere in order to process everything swirling around in my head. If you know me at all, you know that I don't usually require a sounding board when I'm trying to work something out. Sure, I'll run my thoughts by someone when it comes down to the deadline, but before I ever get to that point, believe you me that there were hours of intense contemplation leading up to it.

When I was making my decision about Peace Corps verses continuing my job hunt in NYC and DC this spring, I just started walking after I left my favorite coffee shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Next thing I know, I'm standing in front of my church in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, some 80 blocks later.

Its just how I do things. :)

Anyway.... I'm back at the gym to try and get back in shape, and because its a good way to spend my time and process things before I get ready to leave for the Peace Corps.

I start each day at the gym with a warm-up before either focusing on my upper or lower body (depending on the day) on the weights. I've found that I love working out my legs, but if its an arm day, I dread even walking into LifeTime. Considering part of the point of even getting back into the gym is my desire to try to build strength back into my arm (3 surgeries later...) and maybe someday feel confident in my strength to survive the Police Academy, this is a horribly inconvenient dread of mine. Then when you consider that my attention span for cardio is.... lacking.... things at the gym can get interesting.

The other day, I upped the weight stack on the arm curl (an already cumbersome movement for my bad arm), and started my workout. The first two sets were great. Enough resistance to give me a challenge, but not so much that my bum wrist or my muscles were screaming at me (too loudly).

When I hit my third and final set, however, my confidence began to waver.

Then, a funny thing happened.

I cheated on my last set.

Seriously.

I just kinda, forewent the last few repetitions.

I ignored the last few reps I should have done, barely acknowledged that I was doing so, got up, and moved to the next machine.

I think its funny how as humans, we think that we can even manage to fool ourselves. Like no one, including ourselves, will notice. Like it isn't letting ourselves down or something. Like there won't be consequences. Like the pain, the resistance, the struggle isn't part of the workout. Like its not the entire point of growing stronger and yielding results.

We can be kind of silly sometimes, can't we?

The same thing happens in our walk for Christ.

Even if we actually make it to the gym or stop for a devotional amidst an already hectic schedule, we approach it like we doing as a favor to ourselves or to God. Because of this, we think that if we shave a few minutes off our workout (whether it be physical or spiritual) it won't affect the final outcome.

"Sorry muscles, you don't need to be as strong as I planned."

"Sorry God, a few less minutes won't hurt."

Or the biggest phony statement - "I'll do better next time."

And yet, we've got no one to let down but ourselves.

In church today, Pastor Vic reminded us that God didn't NEED to send Christ to die on the cross. But WE needed him to., and He did it because He loves us, and without it, we have no chance at an eternity with Him.

And without a daily workout in the gym or with our Father, we have no hopes of growing stronger to "finish the race and complete the task" (Acts 20:24) that we've been given.

Time to go to the gym. :)

30 days from today....

Its a little unnerving - to not really know who is reading your your written thoughts out in cyberspace, but even when people ask me to my face about how I feel about leaving soon for Peace Corps, I don't always entirely tell the truth.

Sure, you can only expect that I would be nervous, but...

I'll be touching down in Sofia, Bulgaria with my team of Peace Corps Volunteers; ready (or not) in less than a month to begin our 11 weeks of pre-service training.

I've spent the last couple of weeks enjoying some much needed "me" time in Florida. My aunt and uncle live on the Space Coast, south of Cape Canaveral, and I got to see them for a few days before dog-sitting their puppy, enjoying the gym, the beach, the pool, and entirely too many hours with a book in my hand or the tv on.

Since I finally had a chance to slow down a bit and process now that I am done with classes, internships, jobs, etc, I was able to resort to my normal state of overprocessing and overthinking EVERYTHING.

Its like all of the sudden this whole Peace Corps thing became very real.

People keep asking me how I feel about leaving the country for 27 months.

"Are you scared? Nervous? Excited? Anxious?"

And I am all of those things. But probably not for the reasons people would think…

I know reality will continue to set in for the next month and even after I step out onto Bulgarian soil, but I am excited about devoting myself to a new culture (admittedly, I AM nervous about the language, though....), trying new foods, meeting new people, seeing new places, and yes, being almost entirely on my own.... the aspects of leaving my home for over two years hold a lot of people back from even trying something like this, but in that respect, I'm ready for a new beginning. I'm ready to spread my wings and fly. And most importantly - to do it solo.

I can honestly say I’m not afraid of much.

I enjoy heights. I tend to thrive on small spaces. I can coexist with small creatures/insects/creepy things as long as I know they are there (I’m not known for composure when inflicted with the element of surprise). I love taking long walks at night. I got more of a thrill out of night shifts and drug busts as a police intern than I should probably admit. I'm often happier on my own than I am with a lot of people around, so independence is a comfortable thing for me even though I do value my support network.

i am, however, terrified of failure.

Last summer I worked for a camp that served inner city kids out of DC. Each week of camp was harder than the one before it (not because of the kids - but the camp itself), and while I have never quit anything in my life, I seriously considered walking away each weekend.

I never did.

Instead… I ended the summer exhausted, frustrated, and feeling like I let a lot of people down. While people will argue with me that I gave it my all and I made an impact I will never know the extent of, I still felt like I failed.

I'm setting out for the Peace Corps knowing (as well as I can right now), that my heart is here in the United States. Urban America, to be exact. I love the kids and people I have fallen in love with in DC and NYC, and I feel as though God has been equipping me to finally succeed and impact His kingdom. The Peace Corps has been part of my dream, but its NOT, my dream. Its a step that will change my life, I'm sure, but moreover, it is a path to get me where I ultimately want to be - HERE.

That being said, I'm afraid that I won't make the most of these next two years. I'm afraid that even though this is hardly even possible, I'm going to finish my term in Octover of 2010 feeling as though missed out on two years that could have been spent pressing towards my real dream.

But who ever said fears were rational?

I'm sure 27 months in Bulgaria are going to be nothing short of AMAZING.

RECAP: 7:45am, Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"It’s a funny thing – sitting in an airport for over five hours and not actually going anywhere.

Yesterday around a quarter to 4pm, Mom drove me to Dulles to catch my 6:20 flight to Orlando. I was planning on spending a few days with my aunt, uncle, and little cousins before they leave for their trip to Puerto Rico, and I’ll stay at their home and hang out with Pancho – the newest addition to the four legged sector of the Zipf clan. In reality? I get to hang out with my little cuz’s (for the last time before I leave for Bulgaria), then spend the next week and a half engaging in lots of ME time. If you know anything about me, I love having time to myself like that. I’m not a stir crazy person who gets lonely after a couple hours of solitude. I’m the type that salivates at the thought of experiencing Europe someday with a backpack and not much else. Meet people along the way, sure, but spend most of the time doing what I do best – processing, reflecting, and yes, a bit of overthinking. J Anyway, I’m looking forward to the first real Katie time I’ve had in a long while, and the last I’ll get before the whirlwind of my last month in the U.S. begins…

So, around 5:30 yesterday, they made an announcement that our plane hadn’t even left Boston yet, due to a ground lock from weather in the north east. A woman across the aisle from me seemed flustered as we all listened to the announcement. Oddly enough; she was the whole one in the entire waiting area that appeared at all frustrated. It quickly became apparent to me as she looked around and managed to grab the attenion of the gentleman next to her, that she didn’t speak English and only caught pieces of the loud speaker. The next thing I know, he was repeated the message and was working hard to help her understand. Not only was it awesome to see someone take the time to help someone out like that, but he didn’t stop there. I watched in amazement as he moved away from her, took out a cell phone, and started explaining our flight situation to someone on the phone. It got so much better when I heard him say, “so, this woman sitting next to me doesn’t speak English, so I was thinking that maybe you could talk to her and translate what I just told you into Farsi?”

Farsi! How awesome is that? It breaks my heart that so many people are so unwilling to barely go out of there way to help someone out, yet this guy (who was wearing a cap from my brother’s ship in the Navy!) went way above and beyond to make sure she wasn’t left in the dark. Kinda renews your faith in people a little bit, doesn’t it?

About 45 minutes later – it still wasn’t on its way to D.C. Long story short, at about 8:30, countless delays, one bag of chips and a Coca-Cola later, I made my way up to the gate counter to see if they could get me on the next flight to Orlando in the morning. While I was rather enjoying chatting with those around me, working some Sudoku puzzles, talking to my big bro, playing some Mario, and ACTUALLY working on my Bulgarian lessons, the later I left DC, the later I would be arriving into Florida, and the later I would need to be picked up in Orlando. Considering no one in my family would let me crash any longer in the airport if I tried…

So now, here I sit. Back at gate B70 in Dulles airport after 5+ hours here yesterday, a shoddy nights sleep, and an hour at the ticket counter this morning. Turns out the flight didn’t even get into DC until 2:30 am…. Go figure. ;p I will be in Orlando, God willing, by 11:30am today to begin my vacation. He’s good, isn’t He?"

I've spent the last two weeks at home trying to majorly clean out my bedroom and the things I've used at school the last four years. You would think that if I haven't needed the stuff here in my Virginia house since I left for college, that I wouldn't need it at all. Funny, that doesn't seem to be the case at all...

The goal is to clean out everything I don't think I'll need or want to deal with in two and a half years when I return to the American civilization of "muchness."

Kinda scary, right?

I have a hard time envisioning what to expect in the next 47 days until I leave for Bulgaria, much less what will happen during my 27 months of service.

But what about after all that?!?!?!

I know what you are thinking.

One step at a time, Katie. One step at a time.

But I've always been a dreamer. Not really an unrealistic sort of dreamer, but one just the same. I love to think about where God is going to take me next, and what sort of things I can do to ready myself for what He has in store.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO excited to live, learn, and love in Bulgaria over these next couple of years, but there is this part of me that also sees my time in the Peace Corps as a stepping stone to the next great adventure.

God brought me to Elon where I got involved in Service-Learning, where I started to work at Boys and Girls Club, which lead me an interest violence prevention, which sparked a desire to work as a police intern with the gang involvement, which lead me to Camp Brown (which was, lets face it, a MAJOR learning process!) and then BACK to the Burlington PD before heading off to New York City to combine my love for youth ministry, the city, and service!

I mean, judging from where I have come in the last few short years, I can't help but get excited about everything that will happen in the NEXT few years.

But seriously, I don't need so much of this STUFF I have been hoarding.

But YOU try to enision if you'll need that sweater, or this kitchen item, or those DVD's in two and half years.

So much is going to change between now and then, and I can't wait to see whats going to happen.

I'm an official alum of Elon University!

After yet another night of very little sleep (did I ever actually fall asleep), I found myself sitting on my bed at 6:45am on Saturday morning - more than an hour before I had originally planned on being out the door - dressed, makeup and hair done, gown in hand. I sat there and looked at the clock, wondering what I was going to do with myself for another hour. I called my parents to ask if they could pick me up, and my dad showed up at my door no more than ten minutes later. One step outside, and my heart sank.

It was COLD!!! And drizzly. Yay.

My sunny, no rain forecast had failed me. So I went back into the house, got my signature Elon hoodie, slid it over dress, and got in the car with my dad. The school had moved our breakfast inside, and everywhere you went, people were grumbling about the weather and wondering if they would decide to brave the weather, or if Elon would move the ceremony into Alumni Gym.

What a disappointment that would be!! Not only would I have 12 disappointed family members who wouldn't have rain tickets (ok, 9 disappointed adults, three rather relieved little kids :)), but Elon students are SUPPOSED to graduate Under the Oaks! Not under the flourescent lights amidst bleachers....

But, everyone remained optimistic. Sometime during the speaker's presentation, the clouds rolled back, and the most glorious blue sky appeared. It was beautiful!!

Nothing like sitting through 1,000 names being read in the bright sunlight, receiving the famed Leo charge, and walking away from the school for the last time with a hard-earned, beautiful DIPLOMA.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my time at Elon. But I finished classes in January and have just been waiting for my college career to officially be complete. People kept asking me what it felt like to be done. And yeah, it felt GREAT. But it also felt about the same as it did when I was really done in January.

I wasn't too sad to drive away from campus for the first time. I mean, this fall I worked full time and I've been involved with an incredibly ministry in NYC since then, but God has too many incredible things in store for the next couple of years to sit here and long too hard for more time in the Elon Bubble.

Bulgaria, HERE I COME!!

I will officially be in training to be a Youth Development Peace Corps Volunteer two days from TODAY!!

And tuesday will mark two months from when I will be on an airplane finally headed to BULGARIA.

I've been dreaming about this for so long, and its so strange to think I will be living the dream in a matter of months. :)

---

Well, after three AMAZING months in the Big Apple, its hard to believe it, but I am back in Virginia!!

Crazy... I loved {almost, haha} every single minute of my time in New York City, and just being there doing the job I was doing was definitely a dream come true, but it feels good to be HOME. 

Because I am leaving for Bulgaria with the Peace Corps {still whoa!} on July 19th, I've decided I'm not going to try and get a job. Too much to do!!

Between graduation during Memorial Day Weekend, and a couple of weeks with family in Florida, I have a lot of packing and prepping to keep me busy for the next two months!! It will be nice to just be home... getting ready... spending time with family and friends... and just enjoying the relative calm before the storm.

I am also thrilled to be able to spend some time getting to know DC like I know New York! So lets just say I won't be bored!!

------------

My aunt Val came up to the city to spend my last three days in NYC with me! We had such a blast! We wandered the East and West Village, ate John's Pizza (twice! shhhhh :)), saw Mamma Mia on Broadway (so good!), tried to go to Ellis Island (dang rain), and indulged in cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery. MMmmmmmm. And we also spared time to go see my great aunt and uncle in Jersey! Yet again, I loved being able to share the city I love with one of the people I loved. Thanks Aunt Val!! :) 

After a few years of dreaming, 9 months of applying, 3 months of uncertainty, one month of unrelated (and unrelenting!) job offers/applications/resumes, and an hour and a half waiting on the floor of FedEx, its official!

I'll be a Youth Development Peace Corps volunteer in BULGARIA this July!!!

Crazy, huh? I've spent the last few months convincing myself this wasn't meant to be, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go anymore, but its actually happening.

Just last week CSM officially offered me the superhost/assistant director job in NYC for the summer, and I wrestled hardcore about whether or not to accept. I mean, it was a job I KNEW I would love, and would be good at! And they were offering it NOW. How could I not accept? But saying yes would be closing the door to Peace Corps. And while I wasn't sure that was still what I wanted, I've been dreaming about this for too long to not give myself the option to still let it happen...

So here I am, sitting with an invitation kit from the Peace Corps weighing exactly 1.7 pounds, planning out the next 2 and a half years of my life. The next two and a half years in BULGARIA.

Whoa.




:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Long overdue...

My parents came on April 10th to stay until the following Monday. While it was technically a "long" Monday, the time with them flew!! I was SO excited to be able to show them MY New York. We saw "Rent" on Broadway on Thursday. It was amazing! Maybe a little much for my rather conservative parents ("bumping and grinding," haha! love you both! ;), but I think we all definitely enjoyed the show, dinner from Cosi in Bryant Park, and the discovery of the new Mint Crisp M&M's that have come out for Indy's new movie...

Friday we loosely followed the CSM prayer tour, and it was great to be able to show my parents the city how I've learned to see it - through God's eyes and His heart.

Saturday was probably my favorite day. I brought my parents to Father's Heart Ministries to serve at the Saturday morning soup kitchen. It was so neat to be able to serve alongside my parents in an atmosphere I love. They got to share with my in my favorite ministry site, and it was so neat to see my parents take jobs and settle right in! My dad even mastered the anchor position on the Maitre'd team! Which means he made Pastor Marion's cut when she sized people up for jobs. ;) The rest of Saturday we spent wandering the Lower East Side, Greenwich Village, and SOHO. We ate ice cream at Alphabet Scoop, bought an underground cd from an AWESOME acapella group performing on Prince Street, wandering through Washington Square, snacked on deliciously fresh guacamole, and meandered the streets in downtown Manhattan.

Sunday we explored Brooklyn... went to Coney Island for Nathan's Hot Dogs, rode the Cyclone with my dad on a whim (we survived!), worshipped at Brooklyn Tabernacle, and ate sheer yumminess at Junior's before taking world famous cheesecake back to the hotel for dessert!

Before the left on Monday, we even managed to sneak in a ferry trip out to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty.

Such a great weekend!! I loved the opportunity to share with my parents the city I have grown to love.

After having steady (and often overlapping!) groups for a month and a half, CSM New York has hit a bit of a hosting lull. We'll have a couple more groups pass through before my time here is up in about another month, but until then, we're running errands, working around the office and housing site, and spending some time at our regular ministry sites to maintain contact and support there.

Yesterday morning, Emily and I (and Breanna - her best friend from home) set out to meet up with our directors in the Chelsea neighborhood of Manhattan. We were meeting one of the director's close friends, who is the volunteer coordinator for an organization called the Hudson Guild. In addition to running a community center for local senior citizens, the Hudson Guild also runs a meals on wheels service. Currently, CSM NYC doesn't partner with any ministies or agencies that specifically serve the elderly, so we will be working with the Hudson Guild starting this summer.

I partnered up with a regular Meals on Wheels worker named Sjade (pronounced saw-day), and spent the morning walking through Chelsea delivering meals to individuals and couples in various public housing units, low-income apartments, and even a center for the blind. **Actually, before all that, I almost DIED. Not really... but it was the first time I rode in a car with a native New York driver... I've avoided taxis because they are expensive, but also because I want to avoid being on the roads PERIOD. The guy driving was flying down streets, darting through taxis and pedestrians, and honking at anything that moved... and so was everyone else. But hey... another new experience, right? Haha.** After my horribly "exciting" ride, Sjade and I basically walked, delivered, and chatted our way from 34th street back to 17th street. In addition to having a blast getting to know Sjade, we knocked on doors, talked with some people who hungrily awaited our deliveries, and even helped an elderly woman in the blind housing off the floor who had fallen shortly before we arrived. During our orientation, we had been told that the Hudson Guild deliverers are often the only contact that some of their clients have with ANYONE all day. That rubbed me the wrong way, but it wasn't until seeing this poor blind woman trying to muster her strength to pull herself off the floor, that I realized how heartbreaking it really was. What if we hadn't come? How long would it have taken for someone to notice? Just another thing I am trying to learn to not take for granted...

After parting from Sjade shortly before her last delivery, I booked it for the closest subway and made my train and bus transfers to Maspeth Bible Church in Queens. This church (our first and only ministry site in Queens) opens their doors to local kids every Friday for an open gym program afterschool. The woman who runs the program, said that just last month they averaged between 30 and 40 kids per week. Just a few short weeks later, they expect close to 90 kids every Friday!! Dorothy was a little understaffed yesterday, so CSM sent me to help them keep things running. I spent the little bit of time I had before kids arrived coming up with a sample craft, and got the art room ready for a couple dozen little girls that would come hang out with me later, and I had a blast.

If you know anything about me, you know my heart has always been with kids. If I wasn't working at the Boys and Girls Club during college, I was somehow tutoring, coaching basketball, babysitting, or camp counseling. Which is funny, because since coming up to the city, our ministry sites with children have been the ones where I have felt the most disconnected. Maybe its because those tend to be the sites where I have to float and supervise my groups more instead of actively engaging in the activity, or maybe it was because God was slowly opening my eyes to other things... Maybe it was a little of both. But I think God has defintiely succeeded in showing me that I am happy as long as I am serving and investing in people - it doesn't really matter where I am or who I am doing it with. Awesome gift, huh?

Have you ever just woken up in a total funk? Yesterday I opened my eyes around 8:00 feeling frustrated, agitated, and for some reason, overwhelmed. Great way to begin the day, huh? I meant what I said a few weeks ago about feeling so at peace about the uncertaintly of my future, even though this I've never felt this in the dark about what to expect before, but all of the sudden, everything caught up to me yesterday and I hit a brick wall.

I have so many things I am excited and passionate about, and I know God has big things in store for me (after all, how many of you have told me "God is grooming you for something big someday, Katie!), but my patience and peace seems to be running a little thin these last couple of days.

For the last 2 or 3 years, there hasn't been a doubt in my mind about the Peace Corps, and my summer plans have always fallen nicely into place. This summer, though, I may or may not be leaving the country for 27+ months sometime in June, July, August, or September (seriously? yup), I may or may not have a job with CSM this summer (don't even know if thats what God or I want should the position become available, I may or may not have any number of internships, job offers, and training opportunities along the mid atlantic coast line. So much of my future right now hinges on so much that I have absolutely zero control over. I can't seriously pursue Peace Corps (or anythingelse for that matter!) until Peace Corps makes up their mind about my LASIK surgery, I can't make summer plans until staffing here gets worked out (only should I decide this is where I need to stay), and yadda yadda yadda. Thats pretty much the way things are going right now.

All of the sudden I just feel so overwhelmed and out of control, and I can't do anything about it.

Alright God. This one's yours....

My parents asked me a little while ago where they could find me after graduation. Your guess is as good as mine!!

A bleeding heart on a tattered sleeve - she's got the weight of the world on her shoulders.

The worst part of the job...

Despite all the things about my job that thrill and excite me, there is definitely one part of my job that frustrates me to no end. Its inevitable - groups ALWAYS leave. Honestly? I hate that. Especially with the college teams; because since they are my age, I always seem to connect as almost more of a member of their group than as a leader. But trust me, there is no better position to be in than to see groups arrive at our housing site as strangers or simply team members, and to leave as great friends. The groups that come through CSM often literally shed blood, sweat, and tears alongside each other, and even though I hate watching them go at the end of a week of working in the city right there with them, I love knowing that they go home with such a strong support system to continue to process the week. Just yesterday I was logged into my Facebook account (ha) and found myself browsing pictures of one of my past groups as they were eating dinner and hanging out together a month after their trip. Not that we as CSM can take credit for the fact that they started the trip as little more than group members from a campus ministry back home, and got back on the church van resembling family members, but its definitely the nature of the week. CSM New York is not a flashy touristing trip. Rather, its a unique view of the city that allows you to literally see the dirt and grime of the Big Apple, and directly have a hang impacting what I like to call "the hope factor." We see a lot of pain, hurting, and community at the street level and while walking through the more upscale areas, and its unavoidable that you will leave a changed person. And the only people who truly understand what you saw and are continuing to process, are the people who were standing right alongside you the entire time.

And reality hits...

So, if I was to follow through with this whole Peace Corps thing (you know, my dream of the last few years that has only recently wavered...), I will be leaving the country for a 27 month period... get this... two months from TODAY.







Woah.

As a CSM City Host, we frame each ministry site before we arrive so that our group members can be prepared and have a relatively good idea what to expect:

* At Father's Heart Saturday morning soup kitchen, groups help prepare the meal, then take different tasks all involved with serving the meal before doing their part to clean up.
* At the Food Bank for NYC, we unpack, sort, and repack whatever shipment is waiting to be dealt with.
* With the Green Team, we work on landscaping tasks alongside former inmates that are trying to develop job skills to reenter society.
* With Operation Exodus and KidZone, students can expect to love on kids while investing in them with homework attention, play time, and time in general.
* At the NYC Relief Bus, we serve soup while engaging people in conversation, offering them resources for job/housing assistance, or enveloping them with prayer, love, and support.
* At Furnish a Future or World Vision, we work out in the warehouse sorting shipments of clothes, household items, and furniture to put out on the show floor or for later distribution.
* When working with God's Love We Deliver, we tell students to wear good shoes and comfortable shoes, because we will spend the afternoon walking around NYC delivering well-balanced prepared meals to people with terminal illnesses who can't otherwise afford physically or financially to put a HEALTHY meal on the table.


So, for the most part, its easy to tell students what to expect at our various service/ministry sites - we pretty much complete the same tasks whenever we go, because we bring the organizations man power to help them complete the jobs that need the most help.

At some of our sites, however, we tell our students to be prepared for ANYTHING.

At Hanson Place Campaign Against Hunger, its not uncommon to not assist at all in the actual food pantry... CSM groups have been known to clean the church alter (with careful instructions to please avoid beheading any 100 year old wood saints...), make hundreds of Easter cards with developmentally disabled high school students, and completely dismantle an entire photo copier before navigating original construction NYC stair cases with a huge/heavy oak desk.

At Salt and Sea Mission, we always assist with the morning worship service before handing out food for the food pantry. Then students need to be prepared to hand out clothes, visit with the dozens of regular attenders, clean the kitchen, sort and repack food, or whatever else the mission's pastor needs.

The other day at Salt and Sea, however, really challenged me to continually ensure that my "servant's heart" is in check: I stood in front of Pastor Debbe (trying desperately not to laugh) as she demonstrated how to scrub two HUGE marble staircases and the landings/doorways that accompanied them with.... get this.... BRILLO PADS. Like, those little two inch square metal scrubbers with the pink soap in the middle. I mean, when I asked if there was anything we could do to help in the next 20-30 minutes before we left, I certainly didn't mean crawl on our hands and knees on an old grimy staircase in Coney Island and scrub every little crevice with a tool barely bigger than a toothbrush!!

Again, trying not to laugh, I organized my "troops" (a hard-working, loving group of high school upperclassman from Morweena, Canada) and explained the task that we had been given. They all kind of stared at me blankly before glancing over at the staircase and doorways behind them, before looking back at me like I was absolutely insane. Then we all laughed together and got to work.

Barely half an hour later, we had swept, scrubbed (ahem - remember? Brillo Pads?), rinsed, and mopped 2 marble staircases and their related doorways and landings, before calling it quits. We pretty much laughed about it all day, but felt good about our job well done.

It wasn't until the next night at debrief (after the second half of our group had volunteered there the following morning), that I truly began to realize that it wasn't about cleaning stairs with Brillo Pads. It was about a group of Canadian teenagers willing to humble themselves down to the point of selfless service, and truly showing the owner/patrons of Salt and See Mission TRUE acts of servant-hood by being more than willing to kneel down into the grimy stairs of a beach ministry - AND with a smile on their face, nonetheless. Cause you know what? If Pastor Debbe had asked Christ to lather up a Brillo Pad and join us on those grubby stairs caked with the dirt and grime of the world, I have no doubt he would sweated, scrubbed, and laughed right alongside us.

Gather Up

A few years ago now (whoa!), Elon started a new leadership program through the Kernodle Center for Service Learning. Elon sends hundreds of students out into the community to volunteer through class requirements, clubs, fraternities, and sororities, and Leaders in Collaborative Service (LINCS) aims to better connect Elon with our community partners.

I was in my second service-learning course at Elon when the LINCS program began to come together, and I knew that there was no better way to combine my love for the Boys and Girls Club with my desire to share my passion for service with my peers. I was one of the first three LINCS at Elon, and I loved my time at the Boys and Girls Clubs. In addition to directly serving with the kids at the after school program and helping out with the Club’s basketball program, I managed all of the Elon volunteers that came through the Club. If there was a need with the staff at the Club, I got to brainstorm and utilize my Elon contacts and resources to try and meet that need. Most importantly, though, I got to work with my fellow Elon students and encourage them to not only serve their community, but to learn from their interactions with children and community members on a much deeper level. Instead of asking them to merely sit and practice spelling words with a third grader who struggles to recite his alphabet in the correct order, I got to push them to see literacy issues come alive in children who don’t always have someone give them their undivided attention. I got to challenge them to reach out to that child who normally wouldn’t get the time of day from other white people around them. I got them to view the world for what it is – not the world that is easy for them to see on a daily basis.

What I love about my job with CSM, is that it is 100% youth ministry, 100% direct service in the community, and 100% a synthesis of these two passions. Yet again I get to push students and adult leaders to see the world (specifically New York City) in a way that challenges and pushes them towards reality. New York is an exciting and flashy city, but it is also diverse, thriving, hurting, growing, desperate, and disparate, all at the same time. There is beauty in these, but there is also pain. As a city host, I get to serve alongside my groups at soup kitchens, food pantries, and after school programs, then go back to the housing site with them at night to reflect, process, and discuss the day’s activities. Then I get to push them to see behind the dirt and grime of the city, and embrace the people that they got to serve that day. I get to encourage them to see Christ in the faces of the people I have come to know and love.

This is a song I use for almost every group that comes through CSM, and I think it perfectly puts our role in this city into perspective. Peter Bradley Adams seems to be right on target for anyone out to make a difference in this world. Again, it’s not about beating people upside the head with the Gospel. It’s about SHOWING them the love of Christ by how we live and love.

What do you think?

“Gather Up”
By Peter Bradley Adams

Gather up in the arms of your pity
the sick, the depraved, the desperate, the tired
all the scum of this weary city
gather up in the arms of your love
those who expect no love from above

I ask you this, which way to turn
I ask you this, which sin to bear
which crown to put upon my hair
I do not know, I do not know

I wait to take the hand of love, with every one you gather up
I wait to take the hand of love,
come every one, come gather up

there's lonely people in the lonely night
they grab a lonely dream and they hold it tight
there's lonely people in the lonely day
who work to sit their dream away

so I ask you this, which way to turn
I ask you this, which sin to bear
which crown to put upon my hair
I do not know, I do not know

I wait to take the hand of love, with every one you gather up
I wait to take the hand of love,
come every one, come gather up
won't you gather in your arms, gather in your arms