Camp Project for NGO Svetlina (Samokov, Bulgaria)

Dear friends and family,

    First of all, I want to thank you for your fervent prayer and support as I continue to heal after my skiing accident in late December. It breaks my heart that my work in Bulgaria with the United States Peace Corps was brought to such an abrupt end, and my hope is that even if my path does not lead back to Association Svetlina in Samokov, Bulgaria within the next year, I can still find a way to be a source of encouragement for the children and my Bulgarian and Peace Corps friends there.

    During my short time in the small Eastern European country of Bulgaria, I served as a youth development volunteer and focused on efforts of integration and empowerment among underrepresented youth from high-risk environments. More specifically, I was hosted by a progressive non-governmental organization run by two Bulgarian women with a heart for Roma/Gypsy youth. Each day after school, we lead English, art, and Bulgarian lessons, environmental appreciation activities, game days, and sporting endeavors. Many of the Roma youth drop out of school by the time they reach high school, and marry and start a family soon thereafter, and Association Svetlina encourages academic and social achievement while still aiming to preserve Roma culture.

    My biggest concern after my accident was that the staff at my organization would be unable, due to language barriers, to write the grant to receive funding for our yearly summer camp. "Camp Together We Can Do More," is run entirely by Association Svetlina, and breaches cultural road blocks by inviting equal numbers of Bulgarian and Roma youth to work, learn, and play together for ten days on the Black Sea. Summer camp is a relatively new idea in Bulgaria, not to mention the concept of integrating youths from both ethnic backgrounds is essentially unheard of, and I was greatly anticipating the opportunity to watch the walls of ethnic tension continue to crumble. Another volunteer from a neighboring village in Bulgaria had helped with Association Svetlina's summer camp last year, and she volunteered to assist with the grant writing process when I became unable.

    Even though I will not be able to assist directly with "Camp Together We Can Do More," I would like to do whatever I can to assist the children of Samokov in whatever capacity I am able. For now, this means extending to you the opportunity to become financially and prayerfully invested in this summer program by visiting the following website: https://www.peacecorps.gov/index.cfm?shell=resources.donors.contribute.projDetail&projdesc=313-120

Donating through the Peace Corps website allows your contribution to go straight to supporting "Camp Together We Can Do More," and is tax-deductible. Thank you so much for supporting me so faithfully through your thoughts and prayers, but on behalf of the children and staff of Association Svetlina, thank you for your support of social development in Samokov and Bulgaria at large.

 

Katie Filkins
(On Behalf of NGO Svetlina)

Oh… and I'm driving. J

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."
- CS Lewis -

 

A couple Sundays ago, I was able to steal a few moments of quality catch-up time with one of my favorite college students. I've known her for years, and have valued her friendship since we met towards the end of her freshman year of high school and my last, but over the last few years the physical distance between us has granted very few solid heart to heart conversations.

After walking into the fellowship service a few moments late, I found myself immensely distracted by the preceding chat.

It wasn't that we had discussed an earth shattering or especially thought provoking topic, yet her sheer honesty as she examined herself and commented on her own reactions and views on her world right now was absolutely incredible. We've always traded the "spot light" in our time together, but this time I just listened. And grew a bit jealous at her ability to be so genuine.

This is something I have struggled with for many, many years, especially when I work with youth. I fool myself into thinking that that my extra years (….) of experience and retrospect give me some leg up on life. Ha.

My heart has always gravitated towards arenas of service and ministry, and the recurring lesson I have always struggled to learn is not just to give, but to be ready and open to receive (and most often the intangible). Whether you are handing out sandwiches, scrubbing a floor with Brillo pads, or building intentional relationships, it's not always what you have to offer, but what you will take away from any particular exchange or experience.

As I listened to this beautiful girl talk, I envied her ability to just be HONEST.

Something I haven't done since my accident more than three months ago.

Every time I get approached at church by a loved one or curious individual, I put on the "happy face." The one that says I have everything under control and I'm doing ok. The one that since I laughed my way across the ocean with a broken leg won me the title of "trooper." The one that falsely reflects the courage, strength, and faith that people admire.

So maybe for the first time since I got home from my dream job, I'm going to be honest.

I'm terrified. I'm angry. I'm lonely. I'm restless. I'm frustrated. I'm hurting. I'm confused.

But you all knew this long before I did.

 

And I'm going to be ok.

Yesterday I snuck outside in between spontaneous rain showers and installed brand new, Hawaiin print seat covers into Pleakley in hopes that at my doctor's appointment today I will get the go ahead to get behind the wheel again!

Here's to hoping!

The good news is that my appointment a month ago went extremely well, and it was the first time I could abandon my every other week visit to my doctor's office to get xrays and a new "apparatus." A whole month has gone by since we began to see some improvement in my bone healing process(ok, WE didn't see anything… the trained expert did!), so the idea is that with the bone stimulator having a month to do its thing, and I'm most of the way weight baring, today should help us start (key word…) to pin down a timeline to when I can start seriously considering all of the ideas and decisions incessantly rolling around in this "big head" of mine!

Again, here's to hoping. J

Today being a rather chilly exception, we have had some absolutely beautiful days here in Northern Virginia! I would give anything to get behind the wheel on a sunny day, roll down the windows of my neglected vehicle, turn on some Amos Lee or Dave Barnes, and spend the day watching my black lab chase tennis balls into the water as we walk along the canal trail in Great Falls.

But it's been 8 months now since I've gotten my hands on the steering wheel, and we're not quite there yet.

No telling when it will be, but I'll give fair warning when it's time to share the road with me again!

"Dreamin" by Amos Lee

My soul is as open as the sky.
Often time it's just as blue.
People tell me I need to keep on dreamin'.
That's just what I'm gonna do.

Now everybody wanna treat me like a house fly.
Turn me around and tell me to shoo.
Wanna tell me keep on dreamin'.
That's just what I'm gonna do.

'Cause every moral has a story.
Every hand needs a glow.
Sometimes it's full of glory.
Oh, but mostly, it's for the love.
It's the love... Mmm..

It's the love.
It's the love that pulls me through.
'Cause when they tell me keep on dreamin'.
Thats just what I'm, I'm gonna, thats just what I'm gonna do.

For nine weeks, I have wanted nothing more than to feel 22 again.

I've been under this confliction of feeling absolutely ancient physically (down to even currently possessing - and sometimes using - a cane), while also seeming to have the life status of an early high schooler (one who can't even drive).

I went from extreme independence in Europe with my dream job, to this absolute uncertainty about when I will be able to live on my own or drive myself somewhere again.

Undoubtedly, I'm supposed to be learning some great lesson here… but other than the obvious one's involving patience and trust, I'm still at a loss. I'll keep you posted. :)

Anyway, I FINALLY have some good and encouraging news about my recovery!!

Since my injury, my leg hasn't showed any signs of healing. Normally, a non-union fracture is most common in life-long smokers, people of advanced age or individuals with osteoporosis, those suffering from extreme obesity, and people who have lived a sedentary lifestyle for years.

And then there is me. A 22 year old who was obviously active enough to break her leg skiing.

Go figure.

At any rate, at my doctor's appointment this week, my xrays finally indicated some new bone growth! Very little, so it will still be a lengthy recovery, but bone growth just the same! I left the doctor's office cast-less with a walking boot and permission to start bearing weight as soon as I was ready. I also received a bone stimulator device that should help my body heal itself faster.

So, I still have a long time of recovery ahead of me, but at least we are starting to head in the right direction!

Time to admit defeat… er… reality…

It's been a little under a month and a half since my dramatic and not-so-valiant return to the good ole US of A, and I think it is way past time to catch everyone up on the epic that is my life right now… utilizing a straight forward and to the point technique that we will call the "Reader's Digest Version" -

I am officially no longer a Peace Corps Volunteer.

Ok, I guess I do owe a little more of an explanation… Right after I broke my leg and was sent home, I was given up to 45 days of medical evacuation status to recover and return to my post back in Bulgaria. When I went to my follow up appointment with my doctor 2 weeks after surgery, I was told that I had to go from putting 50% of my weight on my leg, to not being able to put ANY weight on my leg. Basically, (again, if you want the long, gory details – ASK) when my leg broke it splintered at the break site, so the main part of my leg is now secured with internal hardware, but there is a "shard" of bone that is not showing any signs of healing. I am back in a real cast and still on crutches, and hoping for some better answers this coming Wednesday. What all this means, though, is that when I back-pedaled on the prognosis, it meant I wouldn't be able to start physical therapy any time soon, thus definitely extending my recovery well past my allotted 45 days. So per protocol, Peace Corps had to go ahead and medically separate me not even 6 measly months into my dream job.

So, now I need to figure out what "Plan B" for my life is, considering it never even crossed my mind I might need one.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not out to save the world, but I am on this earth to do what I can to change it, and this mandated couch surfing is driving me crazy!

But, it does mean I have PLENTY of time to figure out what my next adventure will be. (Silver lining?)

 

The worst part, though, is that not only is my dream of being a Peace Corps volunteer and working with my Samokov kids over, but at the end of the day, I STILL HAVE A BROKEN LEG!!

But even though my faith has been tested, my patience has dwindled, and my passion is in dire need of being reignited, I'm trying to trust that something better is coming.

It has to.

1 Lift Ticket Up the Mountain = 1 broken leg & 1 Ticket back to the US

That's all it took… I am officially writing this from the comfort of my Fairfax, Virginia couch.

A week ago today (whoa – so much has happened in the last 7 days), I was out christening the beautiful Rila Mountains in which I live with a short day ski trip with my good Bulgarian friend and her family. We drove the less than half an hour to Maliovitsa where you can buy a lift ticket for about $4 for the entire day. I wasn't planning on skiing, just enjoying the gorgeous natural snow everywhere (I did go to college in NC the last four years… this amount of snow is more than just a foreign concept for me). I took one look at the snow-capped trees and the freshly powdered runs, and couldn't resist. Not to mention the fact that there were only two runs to choose from, and both of them very doable in my book.

Now, keep in mind… I am not the world's greatest skier, BUT, I am a comfortable skier and have been at least a dozen times without as much as bruising anything. The lifts in Maliovitsa are pole lifts, and you have to put the pole between your legs and allow it to drag you up the mountain without applying too much weight. I had no problem navigating the easy run, so after numerous runs, I gave the lift on the main run a try. No go. Walk of shame back down the mountain…

Eli and went for a walk through the beginning of the Rila National Park, and then I geared up to take one last run 15 minutes before the lifts closed.

They think the sun went down just enough to ice up the run a little bit.

Conditions were just different enough a couple hours later that right over the top of the run my right knee skidded out on some ice just enough to wrench it uncomfortably. The pain in my knee caused me to go down the rest of the way, where the bindings on my knee didn't separate.

I broke both my tibia and my fibula, and the bindings were so tight they actually had to remove my ski AND my boot in order to untwist my right leg.

Even longer story short, it took over an hour to actually get off the mountain, and another few hours to get back to the emergency hospital in Sofia. I spent the next two nights in Sofia with some American friends (SUCH a blessing!), then was on the first flight out on Monday morning. I flew Sofia to Amsterdam, then to Detroit, and finally to DC where a Peace Corps nurse was waiting to help me get straight to the hospital. Originally my surgery was scheduled for Wednesday, but after an x-ray that revealed my break was worse than anyone thought, they moved it up to Tuesday.

I now have a titanium rod holding my leg together, and am recovering at home in my parent's house.

I have 45 days of recovery to return to my post as simply a Medevac volunteer, but barring a miracle, the doctor is looking at more 3-6 months. I do have a year to apply to be reinstated back in my site in Bulgaria, but right now I am trying to patiently pray and await direction on what all this means, and if I really do have to make some big decisions here soon.

 

I wanted to let my "blog" world know that I am NOT in Bulgaria right now, but I am recovering and praying for direction. If you are in the Fairfax area, please let me know and come visit!

Merry Christmas!!

Весела Коледа!!

A very Merry Christmas to you and yours from
BULGARIA!!






"And the first time that you opened Your eyes, did you realize that You would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left Your lips, did You know that it would change this world forever?

And I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

PRAY FOR YOU TO SAVE MY LIFE."

For Thanksgiving, I tried to make my grandmother's fudge pecan, but due to a serious of unfortunate kitchen compensation attempts, it was a no go. It would have tasted fine, but I tried to make one GIANT pie instead of two little ones (because I lacked the necesassary pie plates/pans), and it just wouldn't cook right. Very soupy - not transportable on public buses.

But after telling my two Bulgarian counterparts about said pie, they made me promise I would make it for them one night. So last night, I went to Mariana's apartment for dinner with the much anticipated pie in tow. Yet again, my oven cooked it kind of funky (half was PERFECT, the other half a little undone...) but as far as I knew it was edible.

Not only did the pie turn out absolutely delicious (yummmm), but it was the first na gosti (a noun and a verb in Bulgarian that describes visiting friends or family) I had attended where I was 100% involved in the conversation, 100% of the time.

It was fantastic!!

I'm finally finding a sense of humor in Bulgarian (my saving grace: and only 5 months in - not bad!), and the converation just flowed. If I didn't understand something, time was taken to explain it a different way, and then we pressed on.

It was definitely an exhausting evening, but not as exhausting as it used to be!

Малко по малко - little by little, making progress! :)

Katie = Pavlov's Dog

In the US, I could care LESS about McDonald's. I have no opposition to it, but I could go months (longer?) without giving it a second thought...

But here? As soon as I get on that bus from Samokov to Sofia, my mouth starts watering.

It's sad... really.


And this exit sign is the ONLY indication from the outside that this McDonald's is not on the corner of Rt 236 and Pickett in Fairfax!





(Hey Abby! While I'm mentioning international fast food chains, maybe I should bring up my internet, my INDOORS bathroom, my personal hot water heater, and the three supermarkets within 10 minutes walk from my OWN apartment... yeah, see - I can hit below the belt too. Although, my Peace Corps experience sometimes lacks some of the things I specifically signed up for... sigh, hehe. LOVE YOU!)

This is exactly what I pay my friends for:

"Remember that you prayed for guidance when you made the decision to join the peace corps, so instead of projecting to an uncertain destination, center yourself in the present - as the future is just an expansion of now!!"

Thanks Danny! Its funny how emails of encouragement always seem to come at EXACTLY the perfect time. So keep them coming! I promise to write back. :)

Seriously though... I have been in this constant spiral of forgetting why I came here in the first place, but in addition to having some of the greatest friends and family members back home supporting me every step of the way, I've found myself growing less and less stressed out even though things are still kind of crazy.

Jumping through hoops to get my new passport (and eventually my Bulgarian ID) is proving to be a bit of a challenge, but its helping me realize how incredibly awesome my two counterparts here are. I work with two women at my organization, who are both full time teachers yet also pouring their hearts into Svetlina (my organization). They are tired and burned out, but managing to laugh the entire time as we walk - yet AGAIN - back to the police station for more paperwork (it was only like the 5th time today in about two weeks). I'm finally finding my sense of humor in Bulgarian with Katia and Mariana, so as much as I did NOT want to show my face back at the police station, the three of us rolled in laughter as I went about complaining.

Cause what I am I trying so desperately to learn here?

Sometimes it's more important to change your perspective rather than your circumstance.

This weekend I went back to my training village for the day on Saturday. I needed to pick up my personal passport (which I need for my paperwork and for some reason left in Kraynitsi), but I also thought it would be nice to have a short visit with my host parents. I brought them Merry Cherry Bars, a few tomatoes (remember? They disappeared in the villages months ago... but I can buy them in Samokov!), and paper napkins with Christmas trees on them. After a delicious homemade lunch (I forgot how good Svetla's meals were), an incredible ego boost on how fast they think my Bulgarian is improving (ha, had them fooled!! :)), I caught the bus back to Samokov with a bag full of potatoes, apples, Rakia (Bulgarian moonshine...), and the homemade wine that I helped harvest grapes for this summer. All in all it was a good visit! Other than the fact that all of my geese and rabit friends are gone, there are considerably fewer chickens, and Bessie the pig met her maker a few days ago. О боже... the reality of village life hit!

Sunday I spent a much needed mental health day around the apartment with my wild child kitten, and then my roommate from PC training events passed through the hang out with me for the night.

And to top it all off... today was the first English lesson with my core kids that DIDN'T make me want to extract my teeth one by one. I caught their attention without bribing them (go figure), I didn't feel incredibly inadequate language wise (see what an ego boost can do?), and I actually occupied a whole hour (yeah - all I have to survive is 60 minutes) without mercilessly stretching out the last 15 minutes or so. It was great. We practiced the Latin alphabet (Bulgarian is all Cyrillic), reviewed our colors, learned some numbers, and then put it all to use by playing UNO. It was great!

Its those small victories that are helping me get through the day. Like, there is this one little boy at "Trust Me" (day center for kids with disabilities) who has severe autism and is in a wheelchair. They have trouble keeping him focuses because he can't communicate verbally and will just throw fits. Usually they wheel him around the entire time... every day when I walk in I give him my heartiest "Hello Mitko!" in Bulgarian, and everyday I get no response. Until last week... when I gave him my usual greeting, waited a second or two, and then found my place with my buddy Ivo. After a 5 second delay, I hear "Sttttrraaaazzzsssttttiiiii" coming from little Mitko!

Completely made my day, and for just long enough I forgot about the creepy guy on the bridge, the nervewracking photo line up at the police station, and realized my wallet/passport had been stolen.

I forgot just long enough to remember to thank God for being my Saving Grace and for bringing me here.

James 1:26-27 -
Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.

I have this problem -

When I get frustrated, I can't understand a lick of Bulgarian.

Which is kind of a big deal when you live in a foreign country and the world already seems to spin on without you anyway.

Today I met up with one of my counterparts and headed into Sofia to FINALLY pick up my Bulgarian ID. When we got there, the little fear I had that this was going to be a challenge since I no longer have my Peace Corps Passport came true... Sure enough - my ID Card is linked to my PC Passport and Visa, and since I had to report them stolen, I wasn't able to pick up my ID card. Turns out, that all of the info on my ID card matches the Passport that no longer exists, so now not only do I have to jump through hoops to get my new Passport (I thought since I never had to do anything in person the first time that it would be that easy... I was wrong - really its not that big of a deal, everything is just amplified here), but once I have it, I have to apply alllllll over again for a Bulgarian ID card. And considering I started this process the week after I got to Samokov, and this is the first week it was ready for pick-up... yippee.

At any rate, hence my frustration.

I spent the rest of the day hanging out in Sofia with my counterpart, her daughter, and her daughter's boyfriend, and barely even hearing all of the Bulgarian going on around me. I am getting to the point where I can usually understand conversations I am directly involved in (usually greatly relying on context) and can SOMETIMES pick out enough words in other people's conversations to get a general meeting, but today... I was tired. I was frustrated. And EVERYTHING was a challenge. Especially trying to understand anything in an all Bulgarian environment (and for a good part of the day we were at a graduation ceremony for a Bulgarian college). So I pretty much gave up trying in drifted off into my own world.

After an exhausting day, I was with Ascen on the way home in the car after dropping off my counterpart, and asked him where he lived since he said it was close to me.

I asked in Bulgarian.

He answered in Bulgarian.

It was quiet for a minute.

And then he says....

"We can talk in English now."






.........................

When it rains... it pours.

But holding out for the moments of sunshine make things so much better...

Things have been a bit on the crazy and frustrating side lately... last week I had a run in with a creep while out for a walk near my apartment building (rest assured - I am fine... nothing ended up happening), and the police called me back into the department yesterday to show me pictures of possible suspects. Last week when I made the initial report, I became very clued in to the reality of the ethnic issues here in Samokov - as hard as I tried to convince them that the individual was of Bulgarian decent, they kept trying to help me "remember" that he was Roma. I did finally convince them, or so I thought, because yesterday they showed me about 10 photos, and 8 of them were Roma men, one looked so Roma that me, my counterpart, and the detectives assistant all mistook him for such, and the last guy was about 15 years too young. Long story short, I think that they are taking this seriously because he was Bulgarian, and they can't dismiss it as just another "gypsy" incident, but I was just hoping this whole thing would go away when I reported it. Anyway, yesterday when I left the police department, I realized my wallet was missing. I had it when I fought with my counterpart over who was going to pay for lunch, and then we walked together to the police station, and I never touched it. I don't want to believe someone could have lifted it (and I don't know how that could have happened), but I never took it out of my purse, and my bag is too deep for it to just fall out. I am beyond confused.... pretty much everything is replacable (with some effort), but being that it wound be back at the police department for a completely different event within an hour after addressing something else, I am convince the police here (who made up some of my favorite people in DC and Burlington), probably hate me. And with good reason. I am only proving that this 22 year old American girl can't take care of herself. Sometimes I get sick of getting tested. For once, I would like it to just be EASY. But apparently my life doesn't work that way. Never really has.... **sigh**



On a much more encouraging note... two good friends of mine from Sofia came to hang out with me and my kids today. I had made contact with a missionary family here before I left the US, but I never expected to be blessed by the further connections. This is the oldest son in the family and Allison, who is staying (only for a couple more days!!) with them for part of her gap year before she starts college in the fall. The kids LOVED them, and I think Allison and Jordan got a kick of their 2 hours of rock star status. :)




We spent the time with the kids decorating the organization for Christmas. The kids played with tinsel and garland and decorated two awesome trees. The holiday appeal drew about 20 extra kids I had never met before, and after a little decorating contest, we enjoyed chocolate chip cookies from Allison and Jordan, then played volleyball outside with some of the older kids. It was a lot of fun to have some extra help and just enjoy a relaxing time.





And now... I no longer have to come back to a quiet, empty apartment!!

Meet Maitap!!

In Bulgarian, "maitap" (mайтап) means "fun" or "joke," and this little troublemaker is a four month old who in one short hour, officially mastered how to climb my drapes... literally. As a matter of fact, there she goes again... :)

Things are certainly picking up, which is definitely a good thing. This past weekend wasn't so great - among other things, I lost water for about 4 days and internet for 2 (if I lose those every time it snows, I am in for a LONG winter!!). Neither were that big of a deal, I definitely made due without water, and now know to keep my 10 Liter bottles filled and ready, and not having internet was actually kind of refreshing... It is nice to have both amenities back though!

I'm still making some really good contacts, and next week should start finding more ways to get down into the Mahala and make more direct connections there. There is a pretty active Roma church and community center, and it would be a great way to meet people and have more direct contact down there. As I've mentioned, my organization is in the entirely Roma school, but its not actually in the Mahala. In some ways, its great, because it draws the kids out into the rest of the community. It also keeps ME out of the Mahala though without some careful planning. But, things are coming along...

I have my ups and downs with my kids, per usual. Its good because I can tell they get excited when I see them at the organization or when I am out and about, but per usual with youth work, its hard finding the balance between being a friend and being someone they will respect and listen to when we do need to be serious. Some aspects of management will get better as my language improves, but my director keeps reminding me that SHE has trouble keeping their attention - "and I speak Bulgarian!" I do feel for them though... Mondays I teach English, and the kids speak only Romski at home, Bulgarian in school and in town, and now they are expected to sit through my English classes. I know the importance of English in today's society (especially with the EU affiliation), but I feel as though they should be focusing on Bulgarian so we can first push them to be leaders in Samokov, then Bulgaria, and THEN the greater market. But, for now... baby steps.

And tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I am going into Sofia to enjoy the day with an American family I met through connections back home. I never expected to be so blessed by them, but their connections are continuing to amaze me as I meet people who are working all around Bulgaria and providing me with additional areas to serve, as well as being in support of MY work. I also have some errands I need to do in the city (my Bulgarian ID should be ready, and every time I try to go to the Sofia police station to work all that out, its an adventure...), and I am on turkey duty for our B24 (my group of volunteers) Thanksgiving reunion Saturday.

So, Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!
Miss everyone SOOOOO much. :)

But thanks to the wonderosity of Skype, I get to talk to some of my cousins tomorrow! Oh, and other family members as well. ;P

New band obsession - Tenth Avenue North... and a simply great video that makes me smile. Enjoy.

Yesterday I wore a tshirt while playing with my kids...

Today I woke up to 6 inches of snow, and its been snowing all day!

My backyard!

Well, the closest thing to what would constitute a view from my backyard...

It also represents impending doom.

Freezing cold... bitter... freezing... windy... freezing... wet... FREEZING... impending doom.

Did I mention freezing? :)

But wow... gorgeous.

Despite a weekend wrestling with the location of my heart (its no secret I left it back in Urban America), today was the first totally awesome day I've had since I arrived in my new home of Samokov, Bulgaria.

I slept in a little bit before my Bulgarian tutoring session this morning, and the lesson itself didn't go very well... After many nights of labored sleep, I was a bit sleepy during my lesson, and just all out frustrated as I tried to (AGAIN) explain to my non-English speaking Bulgarian tutor that I still didn't understand the same concept I didn't understand last class when she tried to explain it in Bulgarian only fit for a native speaker...

But at the end of my lesson, where we reserve the last 20 minutes for just conversation, we actually had a REAL conversation. And I was completely honest with her for the first time. I told Mariana how much I missed NYC and how I left my hear there. I told her how hard it was to leave, and how much I miss the friends I was starting to make. I told her about how I am excited about working in Samokov, but I want to spend my evenings and free time during the next two years studying all about homelessness and PTSD so when I go back to Urban America I will be ready to serve again - but more equipped this time. We talked about how I wanted to do a program that allows me to live in a community for a year working in a urban practical experience, so after that I could get my Master's Degree in Urban Studies in only one year. We talked about how I wouldn't survive 2 more years of grad school that would keep me out of my dream any longer (that would be FIVE years from now until I was done and ready to go), and how the reason I did ok at Elon because of the service-learning component and how I learn by DOING. I didn't even know I was CAPABLE of having this conversation in Bulgarian... but I did it. We talked for the last 20 minutes, and then for a little longer while she ate lunch.

Wow.

If that wasn't enough, I walked into "Trust Me" today, and the first person to notice me was Ivo and he shouted, " Katie, Katie, KATIE!!!!!" right as I walked through the door. That in and of itself could have made my whole week. But it didn't stop there... I spent the next couple of hours playing Memory and Dominoes, and spelling out letters on the peg board with Mirayla.

After work I went to the big grocery store to look for Almond Extract for the Filkins' famous Merry Cherry Bars for Christmas (I got cherries and M&M's in my last care package from home), and found REAL brown sugar and baking cocoa!! Two things I haven't been able to find till now...

When I got back to my apartment, I found an email reply from one of my Elon professors with all of the information I need to try and get Jackson Katz' MVP Program (from my Violence in Families Service-Learning Class at Elon) culturally adapted and translated into Bulgarian for my kids.

And a little while ago, I got back from a 3 and a half hour dinner with a Bulgarian neighbor from who owns a private English school in the block next door. We shared an amazingly good pizza, talked about life, her kids, Bulgaria, the segregation between Bulgarian and Roma, faith.... and how she can help me with my mission here!! Tomorrow she is going to print out invitations to invite my core group of kids to join her in Friday English classes with her Bulgarian kids...

Wow... again!!

Has anything changed from the last couple of weeks?

Probably not.

My circumstance is still the same - I MISS the city and what i was doing there, and I will continue to miss it over the next two years and I can't wait until God brings me back to do what I am on this earth to do.

It will be a slow process, but maybe my HEART is starting to change..

No matter what, it was a good day. :)

Work wise, the last week or so have been pretty good. I've been settling into a bit of a routine, which is helpful. And making not-so-random contacts with random people.

Last Friday I went to work at "Trust Me," (an organization for kids/young adults with disabilities) and it was the first day there that I actually felt relatively productive. Normally its really just a standing play-date with Ivo, a 23 year old sweetie with a few missing teeth only improving the greatest smile ever. Because he's not of school age, they basically just have him play all day... my goal is that once my Bulgarian is good enough, I want to come up with something a little bit more worthwhile that will keep his attention. Until then, it's football and catch in the school yard, and "dancing" when its too cold to be outside. There are usually only about 5 kids, and about twice that in the staff department... so needless to say, I spend most of my time hanging out and trying to pick up more Bulgarian. On Friday, though, after my time outside with my buddy Ivo, I went inside to hang out with Mirayla - an incredibly sweet 13 year old. Normally Mirayla gets very nervous around new people, and I haven't been an exception (I'm such a funny looking American). After a sufficient amount of time sitting doing nothing while Ivo bounced around the room, I went and got a memory game to play with Mirayla. It took some prodding and some help on my part, but I got her to play with me! It was so great to see how excited she would get when she made a matching pair and head the pleasure of teaching me all the Bulgarian words I didn't know for the pictures on the cards. After we exhausted the attention span for Memory, we graduated to putting together puzzles. A bit of a challenge, but the spacial relations are definitely something good for her to work on, and yet again her smiling success when she found a piece that fit could light up a room.

Life wise... its been a big a challenge lately. I'm used to hard. I like hard. I wanted hard.

I normally crave a challenge, and I was looking forward to the day to day challenges of assimilating into a new culture. I didn't, however, anticipate the void I would feel every day as I think about the people and work I left behind in Urban America. I am on this earth to do the work I was doing... and somedays it hurts a lot as I wonder why I left...

In the big picture, I know why I left; I really do. And I believe in what I am doing here in Samokov, Bulgaria; I genuinely care about the kids I am working with... But I left my heart back in the US. That was no secret when I accepted my invitation and got on that plane 4 and a half months ago... but its the truth - its my reality.

Everyday I catch up on the news and it hurts to hear about the current economic crisis and the number of people ending up on the streets in cities all over the US. More and more people are ending up homeless, and that's bound to make access to resources for those already living on the streets even harder... I can't stop thinking about how if Obama can deliver on his word, even more veterans will be returning back to the United States in the relatively near future, and the sad reality is that even returning heros from the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are going to have no where to go... (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/11/11/ED45141OGP.DTL).

Two years is a long time to be away from what you know you are called to do. I know a lot of 22 year olds don't have that much focus, and many people would tell me I have the rest of my life to follow that dream and serve in Urban America, but thats where my heart is and its hard to be away. I love my kids here and I know they need me, and I WANT to help them find the hope that they need to succeed, but that doesn't make it any easier.

For all my ways are before you
I let your hand become my help
My soul longs and adores you
Let my cry come before you oh Lord

Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, that I may seek your word
Revive me, according to your loving kindnes
Revive me, oh Lord

Oh, Revive me
Revive me