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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's for real.

I've officially been back in the country for three weeks - back at site for two. But I spent four days of that time back with the 24th group of PC Volunteers in Bulgaria at our Mid-Service Conference. Well, THEIR mid-service conference, and my "Congratulations on returning and continuing your service" conference. It was so great to see everyone, despite the fact that I have missed out on so much of the last year. I've missed it, and them, and feel a little displaced from the group dynamic, even though everyone has been fantastic to me (even WHILE seizing every opportunity to throw a jab at the "bionic woman." But if it wasn't me, I'd be in on it too. Nicely done, guys).

But it still feels strange to be back. Some moments I feel like I never left, and other times it feels like I haven't been here for years. Or ever.

Most days with the kids are fantastic. They obviously feel comfortable with me still, and I've been at ease for the most part.

But then there are days like today, where everything is just... well.... "off."

I'm thinking maybe the reality hit me this afternoon. On one hand, I'm still getting settled back in, but on the other, I feel as though I should just have picked up where I left off and be sprinting forward. So that's what I tried to do today after game time with the kids (Which was crazy overwhelming - tons of kids showed up, and all of the sudden I lost my remaining scraps of Bulgarian, and I kind of panicked. Didn't go well....). I tried to recover my frustration from my time at the center and get to work. I went through some of the old projects my organization has done, and essentially lost it.

I feel like I have a lot of ideas, and a lot to offer in general, but I was looking over this project the last volunteer wrote with my colleagues, and found the detail (basically planned an entire two years of sessions, workshops, cultural excursions, etc) incredibly overwhelming. I have some project/grant ideas, but they all seem undeniably inadequate after looking over these goals and objectives.

Oy ve. I have so much work to do - but where to start?

Not to mention I woke up today and could tell that the weather is about to turn. I could feel it in my bones. Quite literally, actually.... Ouch.

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