Sunday, August 17, 2008

I will forever be amazed at how time passes here… On one hand, this week was so busy that it flew by. On the other, I have a hard time believing we have been in Bulgaria for 3 weeks tomorrow. I also can't believe I haven't stopped to update on life here in Bulgaria (and let me tell you, my personal journal is looking rather sparse as well)!

Last Sunday the 5 of us Trainees in my village packed up and joined Jenna's host sister Daniela for a hike up into the Rila Mountains to see the Ovchartsi Waterfall (ОВЧАРТСИ ВОДОПОД – yessss J). We walked the few miles to the town below the waterfall to wait for a couple of Daniela's friends, when we ran into the host mom of a volunteer who lived in that village. Next thing we know, we are walking up a hill to the village training center, and joining all 4 Trainees that lived there to celebrate one of their birthdays! It was an awesome afternoon of hanging out, exchanging stories from our first week, and just relaxing. We did make it up to the waterfall before heading back to our village by dinner. I just can't get over how beautiful it is here… and am so excited that no matter where my permanent site placement is, the mountains will be relatively close!

This week was kind of a blur: on Monday we had our first HUB in the city with all 30 members of our training class. We had a brief Bulgarian History lesson from a local college professor ("schools, textbooks, and most Bulgarians will tell you [this]… but I can affirm that it is not true!"), a YD session about UNICEF and local support for kids, and a session on food, nutrition, and health.

Tuesday was definitely my favorite day this week… all of the Youth Development Trainees met at the Training Center in the city where a PC van picked us up and drove us about an hour to visit a youth services NGO where a Peace Corps volunteer has been serving for the last few years. We got to hear about her role in the organization, what the NGO does, and then ask her questions. After that, we visited a HUGE cultural center (called a Chitalishte – every village, no matter how big or small, has one). There, we met with one of the youth leaders and a bunch of kids, and got to hear about their role in the community. It was extremely interesting to hear, especially since at least a handful of us B-24's will be placed at Chitalishte's, so it was great to hear about how extensive their potential can be. They are mainly in charge of all cultural events and holidays in a community, but PCV's who are placed there can be free to start all sorts of youth clubs, sports, classes, etc. Basically, as long as you figure out what will keep the community engaged, you can't go wrong…

After the visit to the Chitalishte, we loaded back up into the vans and drove a little ways into the mountains to an orphanage. In Bulgaria, orphanages aren't exactly what we always envision as Americans… many of the kids at orphanages in Bulgaria do have parents, but for one reason or another they can't afford to take care of them. This particular orphanage is up in the mountains because the kids who live there (but not during the summer when they go home to be with their families) have respiratory diseases. Even though there were no kids, as soon as we walked through the gates of the institution, I felt as though this was the type of placement I would love. I joined the Peace Corps thinking I wanted to basically transfer my skills and experiences from the US and do a similar job to what I had been doing in Burlington, NC and Washington DC with youth at camps and the Boys and Girls Club. Now I see, however, that the Peace Corps is an experience I will probably never get to do again, and chances are, I will return to the US in a couple of years and begin searching for a job similar to what I had been doing pre-PC. THIS is the time to stretch myself and try an experience unique to my PC experience. The orphanage staff was absolutely incredible. Even though many of the kids are terminally ill, their budget only allows for 2 nurses for over 50 kids. They can no longer afford the doctors they used to have on staff, and this winter they couldn't afford heating (even though they live in the mountains and not all of the bedrooms had windows until this summer!) until the new mayor somehow scrounged enough money out of his own budget to heat the children's dormitory's. Because the staff work at an establishment for kids with illnesses, they each receive an extra 4% in their paychecks compared to other workers at institutions around the country. The staff has pledged that extra 4% (and keep in mind their salaries aren't sufficient as it is, I'm sure) to a "fun fund" for the children. They try to take the kids down into the city for a movie or fun outing as often as funds allow it. The kids have no play equipment, and their 2 hours a day of free time are unstructured and without many resources. The staff very obviously does [WAY MORE THAN] what they can for the children there, but in addition to caring for each child's physical needs, they are the one in charge of building repairs, schooling, cooking, and any grounds keeping that needs to be done. As the staff member told us on our way out, you don't do this job if you don't love kids… As hard as it was to see this, and would be even harder to work somewhere similar for 2 years, I would love to work alongside a staff of people who would do anything for a group of kids that has been dealt the short stick every day of their lives…

On Thursday we were joined by 3 other training groups from surrounding villages, and after a day of various sessions and a lot of anticipation, we received the demographics list of the sites that will be opening. I was extremely excited to see that there will be 4 orphanage positions open, and 5 at Roma NGO's (my second choice placement). The Roma population accounts for the largest education drop out and early pregnancy rates in all of Bulgaria, and a PC's role in Roma communities is to promote racial integration and appreciation. The list also gave VERY broad geographic ranges, and I am content to report that as much as I would love to live in the mountains, again, all of Bulgaria has access to good hiking!! I also thought NYC had turned me into an ultimate city girl, but I love the small village life here with the goats as well. So, the moral of that story is, I'm ready for wherever God is calling me. I continue to be immensely amazed at how he has orchestrated everything up until this point, so I can't wait for my placement interview next week, and site unveilings the following week! As I said, it's crazy how fast time is moving, although it feels like I've been here forever…

 

 

 

"Praise the God of open skies, everything breathing praisin' God, in the company of all who love the King."
- David Crowder -

I can't get to the internet very often to post updates... but I have my computer in the city today for our HUB team meeting, so check back the last four posts and see what life  is like in my world right now!

Thursday, August 7th

In case I had ever doubted that I'm where I'm supposed to be:

I've been neglecting to take the time to thank the One who got me here in the first place…

Thanks for the reminder. 

 

With my most recent "monumental life experiences" taking place in relation to big cities, I had recently decided that I was a city girl. I absolutely LOVED living in New York, and my summer at camp last year with kids out of inner city DC secured the fact that I wanted to make a difference in lives of children who live in a world so rich and prosperous, and yet cannot seem benefit from the wealth and resources around them.

In my Peace Corps aspiration statement for the Youth Development Program here in Bulgaria and my pre-placement interview, I repeatedly stressed that I had more experience in an urban environment, and would prefer a permanent placement in a bigger town or city. Actually, I almost gave up Peace Corps altogether for the chance to stay in New York City doing a job I loved. While God calls people to "go," too often we forget that he often calls people to "stay" as well. I thought I was one of those people.

Until I hunted down the FedEx truck all day in Brooklyn.

And until I accepted an invitation to serve with PC-Bulgaria.

And until I got to my village. 

The buzz word for all Peace Corps Volunteers is "integration." As trainees, we often tease about the emphasis on this concept, but it's a noble goal and an obvious one. After all, the PC mission is to offer ourselves to a community, invest in it, become a part of it, and then work together to create a sustainable project that works towards sustainability and self-reliance.

True integration is hours of language lessons and months or training away (and then will back step a few places when we reach our permanent sites), but it's so validating to walk to school and greet one of the town elders or babas with "zdraveyte" (formal 'hello') or "dobre den" (good day – also formal) and have them counter with "zdravey" or "zdrasti" (both informal greetings). It kind of feels like you've made it to have them respond with the more personal greeting. J

Each day, we have spent time playing with the kindergarteners who go to school in the building where we have our training lessons. The first day, some of the kids immediately welcomed us. Of course, I was drawn to kids who ran away from the "big, scary Americans." Who knew I liked a challenge?

One little boy (about 2, and only has his canine teeth, which kind of look like fangs J), seemed to want to play, but when I approached him, he ran to his teacher. With a little teasing, I got him to give me a few toothy grins while hiding behind his teacher's leg.

Tuesday, he got a little closer.

Wednesday, even closer.

Today, I crouched down in front of him, and he DIDN'T run away! I promise, I wasn't torturing him. I wouldn't have allowed any permanent damage to be done to his psyche. J

When I said "Az sum Katie. Kak se kazvash?" he told me his name is Ethan (I think… his accent was hard to understand, and that's not a very Bulgarian name. It might have been Ivan… which is VERY likely), and gave me his toothy grin and showed off his fangs.

Then, he took my hand and led me to the slide.

Seriously.

I've arrived.

Well… almost.

When I get him to smile on CAMERA, then we'll really know I've done why I came here to do.

Wed, August 6th

This may be fun....

But THIS, is why I'm here: :)

We are half way through our first week of Satellite Training as Youth Development Volunteers in the 24^th group to train here in Bulgaria. All 30 volunteers (of both YD and Community Development programs) are split up into groups of 4 or 5 and spread out throughout small villages in South-West Bulgaria. My village currently has 5 of us YD Trainees, and we meet every day with our Language Trainer for language, cultural, health and safety, and technical training. Even though I had a blast with the other 25 members of B-24 our first week with Peace Corps, I really like the intimate feel of working in such a small group. We're definitely all in this together…

Every morning, I wake up around 7:30 am (just after midnight for you US East-Coasters!!) and get ready for my day before joining my host parents outside for breakfast. After toast, cheese, instant coffee made entirely with goats milk (I can't decide if I'm a fan or not… but it's my one good shot at calcium and vitamins all day!), and grabbing a handful of fresh fruit from the backyard, I begin to walk to the kindergarten building where our lessons are held – making sure I say good morning to every baba (grandmother) I see on my way. J

The next few hours before lunch are spent on language lessons, and if we're lucky, time in the kindergarten class with the cutest little kids! There is a PC volunteer currently serving in our town, and she helps out with the kindergarten classes during the summer. Today, we taught them the English for "duck" and "goose" before trying to get them to play the game with us!

In the afternoons we work on projects or homework, and sometimes one on one tutoring lessons. Today, we went and spent time reconnecting with our stateside lives at the internet, before taking a break from Bulgarian and watching TV together. I then make sure I get home to eat dinner and catch up with my host parents (or as best I can on my minimal Bulgarian (yes I like this, no I don't like that, yes its hot, I'm tired, etc), before meeting the other volunteers at the soccer field for a nightly game of futbol with as many local boys (apparently girls don't play soccer here… its strange. We're going to try and fix that J) as we can scrounge up. Word of mouth is definitely working in our favor!! Unfortunately, I had forgotten how bad I am… J

It's been another busy, but fun day. Yet again, I can't seem to turn my brain off, but I want to read some (I'm slowly working my way through the Chronicles of Narnia again amidst the studying… J) before crawling into bed. Leka nosht!

Tuesday, August 5 - Believe it or not, but I get to live HERE!!

We cook and eat all of our meals outside in the "summer kitchen."

Seriously, I don't know how I landed such a BEAUTIFUL house, but I LOVE sitting outside under the grapevines studying Bulgarian or working on my culture homework... its amazing. :)

In addition to two my only-Bulgarian speaking host parents (its awesome, but exhausting!), I live with a whole lotta animals (including the goats that come home at 8:30pm… EVERY night). Malcho and Harry Potter (the kittens – and yes, Harry) are my favorite though!! Whenever things get awkward, or my parents won’t let me help with dinner or clean-up, or I don’t know what to talk about, or I get too tired to translate everything in my head, or they are just too cute to resist, I play with them. Shown here at 7:30 this morning curled up next to an empty bottle of Pirinsko Beer (brewed only a few towns over). So cute...

Monday, August 4th

Well, I survived my first weekend! On Friday afternoon, all 30 of us new Trainees piled onto a charter bus and departed to the main training center about an hour away from the mountain resort where we had been staying for preliminary Bulgarian lessons, policies and procedures, and a brief chance to recover from our travel.

At the Training Center, we met our host families and then piled into cars and dispersed throughout South-West Bulgaria. After that, we were totally and completely on our own until we met up with our Language Trainers this morning.

About 2 weeks before I finally left for Bulgaria, I endured a couple moments of borderline panic and doubts. Mostly, the fear was about learning the language. My one semester of college Spanish was a complete bust (even though all those conjugations seem to be making sense now that I try to approach a language with an entirely new alphabet and set of rules), and learning sign language would have been just as visual if it wasn't for the visual reliance of the language. I feared that I wouldn't be able to integrate (ooh, PC's favorite word!) because my language acquisition isn't the keenest. As soon as I got the panic out of my system, I spent the next couple of weeks growing more excited and less nervous. Even packing was easier than I expected (other than having to put away everything I decided NOT to bring!!). On Friday, when we were scheduled to meet our host families, I only felt a few sporadic pangs of nervous anticipation. But, I knew I had Help on my side, and everything was going to be okay.

Svetla, my host mom, and her daughter Didi picked me up from the training center. While Didi's English is fairly reliable, it didn't really set me at ease because she wasn't really translating for her parents (actually, PC requested that even if our families know English, that they refrain from using it as to allow us to immerse ourselves in Bulgarian. I spent the rest of the weekend (Didi left early Saturday morning) repeating "ne razbirem" (no I don't understand) over and over and over and over.

I can already tell that immersion tactics for language learning is essential, but it's tiring!!

When I previously learned a language, there was always the opportunity to clarify something when you had absolutely no clue. After class, I would ask the teacher to explain something again or explain on the spot. Here, my host mom can say the same thing over and over again, and maybe even use some new vocabulary, but if I don't understand, that's probably it. Unless one of us can successfully refer back to what we volunteers like to call the "longest game of charades EVER." When sitting in on a conversation when I was learning Spanish, if something came up I didn't understand, usually there was someone there to explain it later. Here, when the moments gone, it's usually looonggg gone. Even if I could remember a topic or a word long enough to write it down, my auditory interpretation of words into Cyrillic leaves a lot to be desired… BUT, I am actually starting to pick out familiar words, and I am beginning to recognize that the Bulgarian language DOES in fact consist of different words and phrases, and it's NOT as fast as it sounds when it rapidly releases itself from someone's mouth… J

Dob’re dosh’li v Bulgaria!

“Ooooh, heaven is a place on earth!”

I FINALLY got a good night sleep last night (first time since landing in Bulgaria. Jet lag – yuck!), and when I came outside around 10am after a shower, one of my host mom’s friends was over for ‘na gosti.’ Bulgarians are amazingly hospitable people, and ‘na gosti’ can mean anything from neighbors socializing to a huge party. People drop by all the time (especially when they are curious about the new American!), and this song was playing on the radio when I joined the table. It’s kind of embarrassing how much here is in English or imported from America… I watched some Gilmore Girls last night dubbed into Bulgarian…

And it’s true! This place does really make heaven look like a place on earth! After a week up in the beautiful Bulgarian mountains going over Peace Corps policies and procedures, expectations, and some basic Bulgarian, I am now living in the most beautiful little Bulgarian town in the South-West part of the country. I’ve never seen anything more gorgeous! I live with my non-English speaking host parents (it’s actually really fun!), a cat, two kittens (one named Harry Potter – go figure), about a dozen chickens, a few ducks, a dog, a bunny, a couple goats (who come down from the mountains at night to sleep) and the biggest pig I’ve ever seen! Everyone in town has an incredible garden, and for the next three months I am going to be spoiled with fresh apples, pears, plums (sort of – what they are doesn’t exactly translate into English), tomatoes (YUM), cucumbers, and cirene (feta-ish type cheese, but sooo much better than US feta!) compliments of my host parents. Each meal is prepared primarily outside with exception of an indoor stove in a building entirely separate from the sleeping area of the house, and eaten under a ceiling of grapes. The sky is gorgeously blue, and the breeze doesn’t make me miss the NOVA humidity at all. Last night, right at 8:30 dozens of village goats strutted down the main town road and walked into their respective yards, where their owners let them in and immediately milked them before returning to the Cafe for na gosti. Haha, I'm not going to get through this alive without milking a goat...

There are five of us from PC B-24 living in my little Bulgarian town at the foot of the mountains; each of us with a different family. On Monday we begin everyday language lessons (can’t wait! This miming thing is only getting me so far, but it’s funny how much I can kind of understand) and our technical assignments for our Youth Development track. Every other week we meet up with the other 25 members of B-24. In about 10 weeks, prayerfully, all 30 of us will travel to Sofia to swear in as official Peace Corps Volunteers, and then jump on buses to move to our permanent sites all around Bulgaria to begin our projects.

I’ve been asked repeatedly since I began this process – “why Peace Corps?” Some want to know why I chose PC over a ministry or mission presented at Urbana ’06 (wow, that was almost 2 years ago?), and others want to know why I would give up the comforts of home to do something in some country I’ve never been to (and had to look up on a map). Others don’t think I’m cut out for hand-washing my clothes (actually, my host mom has a washing machine and I get to dry them on my very own balcony off my room overlooking the mountains) and walking past the neighbor’s donkey (each neighbor has one – tied up to the front yard fence like we would tether a dog back home) every day on my way to work. And, yes, I am [almost entirely] sure that my heart is ultimately back home in urban America. And NO WHERE in Bulgaria looks like NYC or DC, but that’s why I wanted to do this. How do you follow your heart when you’ve boxed yourself into what you think those dreams might be? God is continually surprising me with my hearts desires, and I need to fully explore His will for my life before I surrender to just one dream. I am one of those people that merely desires to serve, and I believe God will use me anywhere, but I also want to see His world. As much of it as humanly possible.
The mission of Peace Corps is three fold – to offer my technical skills in an environment that needs them is the first part of mission, and the assumed one. However, the other two points are equally as important: to share with another culture the real picture of America (not the one they see on VH1 and imported movies), and to bring the Bulgarian culture back to America someday. That’s what I love about Peace Corps – my job is to utilize local resources while working on a sustainable project in some area of Youth Development before I come home, but also to create a reciprocal appreciation of both my culture and the culture of my new home before I return to the states. I recognize that that not all mission’s organizations are the same, but I want to stretch my faith while still reflecting 1 Thess. 2:8, which says: “We were delighted to share not ONLY the Gospel of God, but our LIVES as well.” I want people to see the love of Christ through my actions and words, but not by just fulfilling a need or two and then going on my way. I want to become a part of the Bulgarian culture, and work together with the local community here to help the accomplish redevelopment. When I return to the US, I want to be able to share how God has moved in my life, and stretched me in so many ways, in addition to how I was able to offer my experiences working with kids to the youth here.

For now, that’s all… back to shelling some beans with my host mom! Ciao. J

P.S. I have access to internet in the town center, and if you email me (kjfilkins@gmail.com) we can keep in touch that way, or I can give you a mailing address.

My life as a PC Trainee begins in EXACTLY 24 hours.

 

 

 

YAY!!

So, my attempts to pack "simply" for the next two years (with the exception of a couple items, not bringing anything frivolous), are making this process vastly more complicated.

 

UGH.

Finally down to the wire… :)

It's funny. For MONTHS, I've had months until I leave for Peace Corps. Then things got a little more specific, and I knew that service in Bulgaria was in my future, but I still had all this time to get things done.

Now, its Monday morning, and I leave on Friday. THIS Friday.

Crazy!

I've gotten to the point that I actually have to start dealing with all the junk I've been throwing in the spare bedroom. I literally groan every time I walk in there. There is infinitely more stuff pulled aside than I actually want to take. We're allowed to take 100 pounds as PCV's. That's 20 more than more volunteers because Bulgaria is considered a "cold country." My goal is 70 pounds. That way if I overshoot a little bit, I still shouldn't be standing in line at the airport shifting items. Although, all of my little items that don't weigh much sure add up… I just want to focus on things that are important to me, and then learn to live with less. Far less… J

Yesterday I said goodbye to everyone at church. A few people commented about how calm I seemed. I have found that the closer my departure gets, the more at peace I seem. Maybe that's because it hasn't entirely hit me yet, and maybe it's because I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to be doing. All I know is that after that first set of goodbyes to my North Carolina boys a couple of weeks ago, even my goodbyes have gotten easier. But they aren't over yet!

 

 

 

Now, it's time to OFFICIALLY start packing!

2 Weeks from TODAY...

... I leave for Pre Service Training!!!

I love how my B-24 team mates will be flying in from all over the United States for our Staging Event the couple of days before Friday, the 25th with plane tickets from the Peace Corps, and I will probably leave my house around noon to get to the hotel by our staging starting time... and have a good hour and a half to spare before things kick off at... 2pm!!

But such is life. :)

{And I'm still taking packing advice, BTW..... ;P}

*****************************************

Throughout my time in NYC this spring with the Center for Student Missions, we had some absolutely incredible student groups come through.

While I can honestly say I didn't have a favorite, there were groups I connected with on a deeper level than others.

I will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart for my Lousianians (my first group!!) and my Appies from NC, but I remember helping Michael out with one of his first groups, and how excited I was to meet Abby - a college senior from Michigan - who was applying for the Peace Corps!!

We talked a lot and exchanged stories, and have kept in touch about the sometimes painfully stressful application process since. My departure date was schedule for about a month before hers, and we've both had our horror stories (your not a true PC applicant if you haven't!!).

Anyway, I just found out yesterday that Abby's destination has changed from the Caribbean to.... Turkmenistan in Central Asia!! The Eastern Europe and Central Asia regions are the two closest PC regions (often referred to as one region), and Bulgaria and Turkmenistan are about as close as you can get without actually being in the same region.

We knew the big guy upstairs was looking out for both of us when we met on her service trip to NYC, but we had no idea we would be equidistance from Turkey!

It'll be so great to have someone {almost} on my time frame to stick together with through all of this and compare notes on service!!

seriously, He's pretty darn incredible :)

16 days!

Wow - time is flying! I begin my staging event in 16 days... crazy.

Hard to imagine that I've been dreaming about this for so long, and things are about to start happening!

And I have A LOT to do before then!

I've been dropping things in a pile for the last month or so, and at some point I am going to actually have to start dealing with it and begin packing! (I'm taking packing advice, btw, from all those world travelers out there! :)) I don't think I've ever been so intimidated about a task before! I'm not worried about teh weight limit. I just want to make sure I have the things that are most important to me... sounds like most of what I'll need I can get later if I need it.

This weekend we had an open house for our family, friends, and beighbors as a sendoff for my grand adventures. It was so great to have *most* of the people who mean the world to me encouraging me like they did. Nothing like knowing you have such an incredible extended family praying for you while you set out to do what you know you're supposed to be doing.


********************************

The 2008 season for the camp I worked at last summer began again yesterday, and I can't stop thinking about it. If you know me at all, you know that last summer challenged me in ways I never imagined possible. I made a lot of mistakes, but I also poured my heart into that camp. I spent most of the fall working on my capstone project for my Adminstration class, and I utilized the assignment as a way to offer my thoughts to those who support and run the camp. As much work as I put into the proposal for restructuring, I decided to package it up and send it on to 12 professionals in DC who have a direct hand on the camps operations or existence. I wrote a cover letter from an academic feedback perspective in hopes that someone would request to discuss my project further. Other than a quick message from the CEO saying, "Thanks for your proposal, I passed it on to so and so," I never heard back... I don't want to get too specific because of the way the internet works these days, but please keep the kids of this camp in your prayers. These are kids that DESERVE to have a SAFE and FUN summer away from their lives in the city, and the environment I worked in last year couldn't provide much of either...

If you think about it, please say a quick prayer for the staff, the camp, and especially, those KIDS.

This ones a long one!!

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately.

Well, a lot for someone who has spent a long time convincing herself that gyms were evil. :)

I'm of the mindset that exercise is great.... when I don't know I'm getting it.

Hense my (rudely interupted) devotion to the sport of basketball... :)



When I have a lot of thinking to do, I tend to be one of those people that just hops on my bike or starts walking somewhere in order to process everything swirling around in my head. If you know me at all, you know that I don't usually require a sounding board when I'm trying to work something out. Sure, I'll run my thoughts by someone when it comes down to the deadline, but before I ever get to that point, believe you me that there were hours of intense contemplation leading up to it.

When I was making my decision about Peace Corps verses continuing my job hunt in NYC and DC this spring, I just started walking after I left my favorite coffee shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Next thing I know, I'm standing in front of my church in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, some 80 blocks later.

Its just how I do things. :)

Anyway.... I'm back at the gym to try and get back in shape, and because its a good way to spend my time and process things before I get ready to leave for the Peace Corps.

I start each day at the gym with a warm-up before either focusing on my upper or lower body (depending on the day) on the weights. I've found that I love working out my legs, but if its an arm day, I dread even walking into LifeTime. Considering part of the point of even getting back into the gym is my desire to try to build strength back into my arm (3 surgeries later...) and maybe someday feel confident in my strength to survive the Police Academy, this is a horribly inconvenient dread of mine. Then when you consider that my attention span for cardio is.... lacking.... things at the gym can get interesting.

The other day, I upped the weight stack on the arm curl (an already cumbersome movement for my bad arm), and started my workout. The first two sets were great. Enough resistance to give me a challenge, but not so much that my bum wrist or my muscles were screaming at me (too loudly).

When I hit my third and final set, however, my confidence began to waver.

Then, a funny thing happened.

I cheated on my last set.

Seriously.

I just kinda, forewent the last few repetitions.

I ignored the last few reps I should have done, barely acknowledged that I was doing so, got up, and moved to the next machine.

I think its funny how as humans, we think that we can even manage to fool ourselves. Like no one, including ourselves, will notice. Like it isn't letting ourselves down or something. Like there won't be consequences. Like the pain, the resistance, the struggle isn't part of the workout. Like its not the entire point of growing stronger and yielding results.

We can be kind of silly sometimes, can't we?

The same thing happens in our walk for Christ.

Even if we actually make it to the gym or stop for a devotional amidst an already hectic schedule, we approach it like we doing as a favor to ourselves or to God. Because of this, we think that if we shave a few minutes off our workout (whether it be physical or spiritual) it won't affect the final outcome.

"Sorry muscles, you don't need to be as strong as I planned."

"Sorry God, a few less minutes won't hurt."

Or the biggest phony statement - "I'll do better next time."

And yet, we've got no one to let down but ourselves.

In church today, Pastor Vic reminded us that God didn't NEED to send Christ to die on the cross. But WE needed him to., and He did it because He loves us, and without it, we have no chance at an eternity with Him.

And without a daily workout in the gym or with our Father, we have no hopes of growing stronger to "finish the race and complete the task" (Acts 20:24) that we've been given.

Time to go to the gym. :)

30 days from today....

Its a little unnerving - to not really know who is reading your your written thoughts out in cyberspace, but even when people ask me to my face about how I feel about leaving soon for Peace Corps, I don't always entirely tell the truth.

Sure, you can only expect that I would be nervous, but...

I'll be touching down in Sofia, Bulgaria with my team of Peace Corps Volunteers; ready (or not) in less than a month to begin our 11 weeks of pre-service training.

I've spent the last couple of weeks enjoying some much needed "me" time in Florida. My aunt and uncle live on the Space Coast, south of Cape Canaveral, and I got to see them for a few days before dog-sitting their puppy, enjoying the gym, the beach, the pool, and entirely too many hours with a book in my hand or the tv on.

Since I finally had a chance to slow down a bit and process now that I am done with classes, internships, jobs, etc, I was able to resort to my normal state of overprocessing and overthinking EVERYTHING.

Its like all of the sudden this whole Peace Corps thing became very real.

People keep asking me how I feel about leaving the country for 27 months.

"Are you scared? Nervous? Excited? Anxious?"

And I am all of those things. But probably not for the reasons people would think…

I know reality will continue to set in for the next month and even after I step out onto Bulgarian soil, but I am excited about devoting myself to a new culture (admittedly, I AM nervous about the language, though....), trying new foods, meeting new people, seeing new places, and yes, being almost entirely on my own.... the aspects of leaving my home for over two years hold a lot of people back from even trying something like this, but in that respect, I'm ready for a new beginning. I'm ready to spread my wings and fly. And most importantly - to do it solo.

I can honestly say I’m not afraid of much.

I enjoy heights. I tend to thrive on small spaces. I can coexist with small creatures/insects/creepy things as long as I know they are there (I’m not known for composure when inflicted with the element of surprise). I love taking long walks at night. I got more of a thrill out of night shifts and drug busts as a police intern than I should probably admit. I'm often happier on my own than I am with a lot of people around, so independence is a comfortable thing for me even though I do value my support network.

i am, however, terrified of failure.

Last summer I worked for a camp that served inner city kids out of DC. Each week of camp was harder than the one before it (not because of the kids - but the camp itself), and while I have never quit anything in my life, I seriously considered walking away each weekend.

I never did.

Instead… I ended the summer exhausted, frustrated, and feeling like I let a lot of people down. While people will argue with me that I gave it my all and I made an impact I will never know the extent of, I still felt like I failed.

I'm setting out for the Peace Corps knowing (as well as I can right now), that my heart is here in the United States. Urban America, to be exact. I love the kids and people I have fallen in love with in DC and NYC, and I feel as though God has been equipping me to finally succeed and impact His kingdom. The Peace Corps has been part of my dream, but its NOT, my dream. Its a step that will change my life, I'm sure, but moreover, it is a path to get me where I ultimately want to be - HERE.

That being said, I'm afraid that I won't make the most of these next two years. I'm afraid that even though this is hardly even possible, I'm going to finish my term in Octover of 2010 feeling as though missed out on two years that could have been spent pressing towards my real dream.

But who ever said fears were rational?

I'm sure 27 months in Bulgaria are going to be nothing short of AMAZING.

RECAP: 7:45am, Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"It’s a funny thing – sitting in an airport for over five hours and not actually going anywhere.

Yesterday around a quarter to 4pm, Mom drove me to Dulles to catch my 6:20 flight to Orlando. I was planning on spending a few days with my aunt, uncle, and little cousins before they leave for their trip to Puerto Rico, and I’ll stay at their home and hang out with Pancho – the newest addition to the four legged sector of the Zipf clan. In reality? I get to hang out with my little cuz’s (for the last time before I leave for Bulgaria), then spend the next week and a half engaging in lots of ME time. If you know anything about me, I love having time to myself like that. I’m not a stir crazy person who gets lonely after a couple hours of solitude. I’m the type that salivates at the thought of experiencing Europe someday with a backpack and not much else. Meet people along the way, sure, but spend most of the time doing what I do best – processing, reflecting, and yes, a bit of overthinking. J Anyway, I’m looking forward to the first real Katie time I’ve had in a long while, and the last I’ll get before the whirlwind of my last month in the U.S. begins…

So, around 5:30 yesterday, they made an announcement that our plane hadn’t even left Boston yet, due to a ground lock from weather in the north east. A woman across the aisle from me seemed flustered as we all listened to the announcement. Oddly enough; she was the whole one in the entire waiting area that appeared at all frustrated. It quickly became apparent to me as she looked around and managed to grab the attenion of the gentleman next to her, that she didn’t speak English and only caught pieces of the loud speaker. The next thing I know, he was repeated the message and was working hard to help her understand. Not only was it awesome to see someone take the time to help someone out like that, but he didn’t stop there. I watched in amazement as he moved away from her, took out a cell phone, and started explaining our flight situation to someone on the phone. It got so much better when I heard him say, “so, this woman sitting next to me doesn’t speak English, so I was thinking that maybe you could talk to her and translate what I just told you into Farsi?”

Farsi! How awesome is that? It breaks my heart that so many people are so unwilling to barely go out of there way to help someone out, yet this guy (who was wearing a cap from my brother’s ship in the Navy!) went way above and beyond to make sure she wasn’t left in the dark. Kinda renews your faith in people a little bit, doesn’t it?

About 45 minutes later – it still wasn’t on its way to D.C. Long story short, at about 8:30, countless delays, one bag of chips and a Coca-Cola later, I made my way up to the gate counter to see if they could get me on the next flight to Orlando in the morning. While I was rather enjoying chatting with those around me, working some Sudoku puzzles, talking to my big bro, playing some Mario, and ACTUALLY working on my Bulgarian lessons, the later I left DC, the later I would be arriving into Florida, and the later I would need to be picked up in Orlando. Considering no one in my family would let me crash any longer in the airport if I tried…

So now, here I sit. Back at gate B70 in Dulles airport after 5+ hours here yesterday, a shoddy nights sleep, and an hour at the ticket counter this morning. Turns out the flight didn’t even get into DC until 2:30 am…. Go figure. ;p I will be in Orlando, God willing, by 11:30am today to begin my vacation. He’s good, isn’t He?"

I've spent the last two weeks at home trying to majorly clean out my bedroom and the things I've used at school the last four years. You would think that if I haven't needed the stuff here in my Virginia house since I left for college, that I wouldn't need it at all. Funny, that doesn't seem to be the case at all...

The goal is to clean out everything I don't think I'll need or want to deal with in two and a half years when I return to the American civilization of "muchness."

Kinda scary, right?

I have a hard time envisioning what to expect in the next 47 days until I leave for Bulgaria, much less what will happen during my 27 months of service.

But what about after all that?!?!?!

I know what you are thinking.

One step at a time, Katie. One step at a time.

But I've always been a dreamer. Not really an unrealistic sort of dreamer, but one just the same. I love to think about where God is going to take me next, and what sort of things I can do to ready myself for what He has in store.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO excited to live, learn, and love in Bulgaria over these next couple of years, but there is this part of me that also sees my time in the Peace Corps as a stepping stone to the next great adventure.

God brought me to Elon where I got involved in Service-Learning, where I started to work at Boys and Girls Club, which lead me an interest violence prevention, which sparked a desire to work as a police intern with the gang involvement, which lead me to Camp Brown (which was, lets face it, a MAJOR learning process!) and then BACK to the Burlington PD before heading off to New York City to combine my love for youth ministry, the city, and service!

I mean, judging from where I have come in the last few short years, I can't help but get excited about everything that will happen in the NEXT few years.

But seriously, I don't need so much of this STUFF I have been hoarding.

But YOU try to enision if you'll need that sweater, or this kitchen item, or those DVD's in two and half years.

So much is going to change between now and then, and I can't wait to see whats going to happen.

I'm an official alum of Elon University!

After yet another night of very little sleep (did I ever actually fall asleep), I found myself sitting on my bed at 6:45am on Saturday morning - more than an hour before I had originally planned on being out the door - dressed, makeup and hair done, gown in hand. I sat there and looked at the clock, wondering what I was going to do with myself for another hour. I called my parents to ask if they could pick me up, and my dad showed up at my door no more than ten minutes later. One step outside, and my heart sank.

It was COLD!!! And drizzly. Yay.

My sunny, no rain forecast had failed me. So I went back into the house, got my signature Elon hoodie, slid it over dress, and got in the car with my dad. The school had moved our breakfast inside, and everywhere you went, people were grumbling about the weather and wondering if they would decide to brave the weather, or if Elon would move the ceremony into Alumni Gym.

What a disappointment that would be!! Not only would I have 12 disappointed family members who wouldn't have rain tickets (ok, 9 disappointed adults, three rather relieved little kids :)), but Elon students are SUPPOSED to graduate Under the Oaks! Not under the flourescent lights amidst bleachers....

But, everyone remained optimistic. Sometime during the speaker's presentation, the clouds rolled back, and the most glorious blue sky appeared. It was beautiful!!

Nothing like sitting through 1,000 names being read in the bright sunlight, receiving the famed Leo charge, and walking away from the school for the last time with a hard-earned, beautiful DIPLOMA.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my time at Elon. But I finished classes in January and have just been waiting for my college career to officially be complete. People kept asking me what it felt like to be done. And yeah, it felt GREAT. But it also felt about the same as it did when I was really done in January.

I wasn't too sad to drive away from campus for the first time. I mean, this fall I worked full time and I've been involved with an incredibly ministry in NYC since then, but God has too many incredible things in store for the next couple of years to sit here and long too hard for more time in the Elon Bubble.

Bulgaria, HERE I COME!!

I will officially be in training to be a Youth Development Peace Corps Volunteer two days from TODAY!!

And tuesday will mark two months from when I will be on an airplane finally headed to BULGARIA.

I've been dreaming about this for so long, and its so strange to think I will be living the dream in a matter of months. :)

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Well, after three AMAZING months in the Big Apple, its hard to believe it, but I am back in Virginia!!

Crazy... I loved {almost, haha} every single minute of my time in New York City, and just being there doing the job I was doing was definitely a dream come true, but it feels good to be HOME. 

Because I am leaving for Bulgaria with the Peace Corps {still whoa!} on July 19th, I've decided I'm not going to try and get a job. Too much to do!!

Between graduation during Memorial Day Weekend, and a couple of weeks with family in Florida, I have a lot of packing and prepping to keep me busy for the next two months!! It will be nice to just be home... getting ready... spending time with family and friends... and just enjoying the relative calm before the storm.

I am also thrilled to be able to spend some time getting to know DC like I know New York! So lets just say I won't be bored!!

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My aunt Val came up to the city to spend my last three days in NYC with me! We had such a blast! We wandered the East and West Village, ate John's Pizza (twice! shhhhh :)), saw Mamma Mia on Broadway (so good!), tried to go to Ellis Island (dang rain), and indulged in cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery. MMmmmmmm. And we also spared time to go see my great aunt and uncle in Jersey! Yet again, I loved being able to share the city I love with one of the people I loved. Thanks Aunt Val!! :) 

After a few years of dreaming, 9 months of applying, 3 months of uncertainty, one month of unrelated (and unrelenting!) job offers/applications/resumes, and an hour and a half waiting on the floor of FedEx, its official!

I'll be a Youth Development Peace Corps volunteer in BULGARIA this July!!!

Crazy, huh? I've spent the last few months convincing myself this wasn't meant to be, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go anymore, but its actually happening.

Just last week CSM officially offered me the superhost/assistant director job in NYC for the summer, and I wrestled hardcore about whether or not to accept. I mean, it was a job I KNEW I would love, and would be good at! And they were offering it NOW. How could I not accept? But saying yes would be closing the door to Peace Corps. And while I wasn't sure that was still what I wanted, I've been dreaming about this for too long to not give myself the option to still let it happen...

So here I am, sitting with an invitation kit from the Peace Corps weighing exactly 1.7 pounds, planning out the next 2 and a half years of my life. The next two and a half years in BULGARIA.

Whoa.




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